


Now that I see you

by phanmindpalace



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anxiety, Daniel Howell - Freeform, Homophobia, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Pastel Dan, Pastel Dan and Punk Phil, Phan - Freeform, Phandom - Freeform, Phandom Reverse Bang 2018, Phil Lester - Freeform, Punk Phil, Romance, Sexual Content, Strangers to Lovers, Swearing, phandom reverse, theatre dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-01
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-05-17 00:50:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 20,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14822087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phanmindpalace/pseuds/phanmindpalace
Summary: Theatre student Dan creates an online persona as part of a university production he's working on. As he struggles with his identity, Dan becomes gripped in a spiral of lies that threaten to destroy a relationship before it's even begun.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was written as part of the Phandom Reverse Bang 2018!  
> Artwork: https://bloodredrebel.tumblr.com/  
> Art by lilacskylester  
> Beta: yourfriendlyblogstalker
> 
> I might write a sequel in the future, I'm not quite sure yet, but this was great fun to write and thank you to the artist and beta for all of the great ideas and support :)
> 
> Warnings: Homophobia, Non-Graphic Violence to a Minor Character, Swearing, Anxiety, Moderate Sexual Content.

Dan was a theatre student. He ate, lived and breathed theatre. If Dan wasn’t at the university library, he was probably doing an extra credit drama workshop or watching a performance at the local playhouse. Drama fascinated Dan; the concept of adopting an alternate persona and bringing them to life enthralled him. Whenever he played a role, he would close his eyes, take a deep breath, and feel the very personality of his character running through his veins.  
  
Ironically, his social anxiety faded entirely when he was up on stage. If his character didn’t have social anxiety, then neither did he, because he was that character.

In real life, Dan was far from a confident person. He was shy, quiet, and reserved. He often avoided any situation in which he would be forced to interact with others for fear of saying the wrong thing, or worse - not being able to say anything at all. Sometimes his throat would close up, and he’d not be able to utter a single sound, leaving him silently opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish.  
  
His Mum told him not to worry; he’d grow out of it, but he was now almost 19 years old and still found himself speechless when confronted with his anxiety.

Dan’s gentle personality mirrored his appearance. He always wore light, pale colours in an attempt to blend in - anything to avoid standing out. His favourite outfit was a plain pastel pink t-shirt and light blue denim jacket. They perfectly complimented his symmetrical rose tattoos that graced each of his collarbones.  
  
They weren’t masculine at all, but masculine wasn’t Dan’s style. Until Sixth Form, Dan had complied with the social standards of being a male. He wore dark colours and black sneakers, carried a plain tattered rucksack and straightened his hair religiously each morning with his GHDs he’d begged for at Christmas. His Mum hadn’t questioned it but his Dad had uttered his distaste quietly from his armchair in the corner.

One day, Dan had decided to experiment with his style and turn up to school as the Daniel Howell he felt inside. He wore his pale pink t-shirt and his light blue jacket. He wore his white converse hi-tops and silver studded earrings. He showed off his rose covered collarbones, and embraced his curly brown hair. His peers were so dumbfounded that they left him alone for the first time in his entire 13 years of school. Dan felt confident, warm and fuzzy. He finally felt like himself.  
  
He’d left school that year to begin studying drama at Manchester University. Several of his teachers had given their best attempts at gently directing him toward a more academic route, given that he was clearly a very intelligent young man, but Dan, having spent the entirety of his final school year searching his soul was resolute.  
  
He found that the entire atmosphere of university was incredibly different to that of high school, and he received only compliments for his style. Sadly, he couldn’t erase the social anxiety that had engulfed him after years of taunting, and it affected him daily, but for the first time ever, Dan had felt as though he was finally on the right path.

During his first Semester, Dan joined the drama society, where like-minded students came together each Tuesday and Friday to share their work and occasionally pitch their own performances. When a fellow theatre student, Antonio, presented his own musical centring around the punk rock community, Dan had been intrigued. It was a truly beautiful story, and from the moment Antonio had pitched the plot of ‘Resistance’ to his peers, Dan was drawn to Milo, the confident protagonist.  
  
Milo was a teenager suffering from depression in a right-wing society, struggling with his identity and sexuality. Though unsure of his place in the world, Milo was a determined character who developed an underground resistance fighting for change. Faced against a prejudiced society, Milo and his underground army banded together to revolutionise the fight for equality and expression through musical numbers.  
  
Musicals were Dan’s favourite kind of theatre, and Milo had spoken to him on an emotional level. His classmates had all agreed that he was the best suited student for the part, mostly due to his ability to hit the higher notes required for the solos, and Antonio had been eager to hear Dan’s renditions of his songs.  
  
Upon receiving the script, Dan had almost screamed in excitement. From a young age, he’d been involved in many productions varying from school plays to his city theatre hall’s annual pantomime.  
But never before had he felt as excited as he did then. Milo was everything Dan wished he could be; confident, popular, talented, rebellious… he was a symbol of hope and positivity in an otherwise corrupt world. Dan knew that playing this particular character would be empowering; a welcome outlet for his uncertainty and insecurities. For the weeks leading up to the opening night, Dan worked hard on channelling his inner Milo.

Eager to deliver his most authentic performance, he decided to create an entire tumblr blog from the perspective of Milo himself with the hope of becoming more accustomed to the punk community.   
Prior to being cast, Dan had had no knowledge of what it meant to be a ‘punk’. His impression of punks beforehand, was only that they were shady figures with a rebellious disposition and an appreciation for aggressive art forms.  
  
As he furthered his research, Dan realised how judgemental he had been, and became fascinated by what he discovered. Formed in the UK, America and Australia in the mid-1970’s, the anti-authoritarian movement was comprised of several subcultures, some of which held ideals and values that even Dan himself could identify with - particularly freedom of expression and sexuality. He also couldn’t deny his appreciation for the aesthetic.

Dan was a perfectionist. He gave his everything to every assignment, no matter how big or small. People appreciated him on stage, and much of his talent came from his commitment to not only his on-stage role, but the effort he gave to the preparation. Though he wasn’t a part of the ‘popular crowd’, Dan was incredibly respected on stage.  
  
Nobody could deny Dan’s talent; he could sing beautifully, with such power and conviction that every crowd he stood before would be in awe of his voice. His acting was by far the best in his theatre group. When Dan played a character, his audience would entirely forget he was playing anybody at all. In that moment, they believed every word he spoke.  
  
Despite this, Dan didn’t have anyone he’d exactly call a friend. He wasn’t bullied - not anymore, but he was incredibly introverted and anxious.  
  
At the beginning of the year, several of his flatmates had made an effort to entice him out of his room, inviting him into the lounge for movie nights or out on the town whenever they went. Each time, Dan would politely decline, insisting he had an assignment to finish, or a seminar to attend. Initially, Dan would psyche himself up to accept their offers, trying to rationalise with his anxiety, but each time, his fear of social interaction prevailed.  
  
Instead, Dan preferred to interact over social media. This way, he didn’t have to actually talk to anyone. Tumblr was his favoured platform. He felt most at home blending in amongst a crowd, quietly appreciating others from afar.

One evening following a drama society meet up, he decided to start a blog for Milo; for research, he told himself. In a way, this was true. He was learning more about punk culture by following specific blogs, immersing himself in this new reality by reblogging relevant content. He entered his own name into the bio, but aside from that, he intended to use the blog specifically for Milo.  
  
The thing was, the more Dan pretended to be someone he wasn’t, the more he forgot he was playing a character at all. He became more immersed in Milo’s life than his own, and eventually the line between the two blurred too much to distinguish a divide.  
  
Soon, Dan was running the bloodredrebel blog as his own, spending more time logged in on this one than on his regular danisnotonfire account (a cringey username he had chosen at 13 years old). His follower count grew to a substantial amount and he even sometimes received validating anonymous asks and messages.

On the way home from his drama group one evening, Dan called in at the university library. It was a Friday, which meant that his flatmates would be getting ready to go out. Dan had long ago figured that if he wasn’t home when they left, he wouldn’t have to actually think up an excuse to avoid joining them. It had therefore become a routine of his to stop by at the library and finish up his assignments ready for a weekend of absolutely no work.  
  
Settling himself into his usual chair in the far corner, Dan spread his books over the coffee tables.  
  
”Hey, do you have everything you’re looking for?”  
  
Dan jumped. He hadn’t expected anyone to approach him. He’d chosen to sit here because this corner was often vacant as it was small, and most students preferred to study in groups.  
  
”Huh?” Dan gasped, turning to face the person addressing him.  
  
”Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. Have you got everything you need? You know…do you need any extra reading material or anything?” the guy asked. “Coffee? Tea?”  
  
Dan recognised him immediately. He worked in the library as part of a new service which included the sale of refreshments to the students studying there. Dan didn’t have anything against this service, but he sure did wish he could be left alone with his anxious thoughts.  
  
”I-I- I’m fine, thanks,” he stuttered, silently cursing himself for not being able to wrap his tongue around his words.  
  
”Sure! I’ll just be over there if you need anything,” the guy smiled, gesturing toward the counter in the middle of the room. He walked away to offer his services to the next student, and Dan sighed, wishing he could just interact like a normal human. He glanced at his watch - 7.13pm. If he gave it another couple of hours, he knew he’d be able to stalk back into his flat unnoticed.  
  
With this thought, he put his earphones into his ears and opened up the tumblr app on his phone, promising himself he’d only reblog a few things before turning back to his studies.


	2. Chapter 1.5

_P: Hi, I really like your blog! *eagle noises* It’s one of my favourites, I’m forever reblogging stuff from it. You seem like a really cool guy, the kind I wish I knew in person! ~P_

Dan clicked the refresh icon on his ask page, hoping beyond all doubt that the mysterious anon who had turned up in his inbox an hour had replied to him again. Anon messages were still a novelty to Dan and this one in particular had caught his attention. Not only had they very strangely incorporated eagles into their message, they had also stated that they wished they knew him in person. This struck Dan for two reasons:

1\. What was with the eagles?  
2\. Nobody in Dan’s actual real life was all that interested in him, and here someone was telling him he seemed ‘cool’. Sure, they were actually complimenting a persona Dan had adopted, but nevertheless, he appreciated the compliment and felt validated; not as worthless and insignificant as he had grown accustomed to feeling.

Intrigued, Dan had replied with careful consideration as to how he presented himself. He didn’t want to seem overenthusiastic, but equally, he wanted to encourage the anonymous blogger to reveal their true identity.

  _Dan: I’m glad you like my blog! :3 and that it’s satisfying your reblogging needs! As for wishing you knew me in person…maybe you do :P_

 _P_ : _I don’t think I do, I don’t really know anyone irl with the same kind of interests as me :/ I kind of wish I did though. I bet you’re super popular ~P_

 Mysteriously identifying themselves as ‘P’, the anon seemed incredibly misguided on Dan’s popularity status. Dan laughed to himself as he wondered how on earth they had drawn _that_ conclusion from his ambiguously disorganised blogging style. Ignoring the fact that he was in a way, leading the anon to believe he was someone else entirely, Dan clicked again to reply.

 _Dan: Hm…don’t know about that one :P not all the popular irl. But come off anon and maybe we’ll see if we know each other!_  
  
He waited only moments before the next reply found its way to his inbox. The elusive ‘P’ must be online, Dan thought. Some people had deactivated the green dot that had been included in one of tumblrs many pointless updates that allowed followers to know who was online and when. Dan hadn’t yet figured out how to do that though, so P would know if Dan was ignoring him.

_P: What’s it worth ;) ~P_

Dan smiled. P was clearly teasing him, or flirting, or both.  
  
_Dan: Weeeellll, you’ll get the privilege of messaging me and like, that’s enough for it to be worth it, right? :P_

Two minutes passed, and the next message appeared. Dan kept switching between his inbox and his messages, hoping that the anon would use the messaging system instead. His heart beating furiously in his chest, he read the reply.  
  
_P: You got me there! Yep, that sure would be worth it… I guess I’ll have to think about it ;) I’m just kidding, how can I say no? You had better reply to me.. ~P_

There was no way Dan wasn’t going to reply at this point. He was too invested. Perhaps it was the lack of appreciation he felt in his real life, or perhaps it was the way the anon was teasing him, but he wasn’t going to back down now.  
  
_Dan_ : _As long as you’re not a pervy old man, I’m sure I’ll reply :P_


	3. Chapter 2

Phil’s life had never been extraordinary, but that wasn’t to say the 21 year old himself wasn’t extraordinary in his own way.  
  
Unlike many of his age, Phil was quiet, preferring a day spent reading in the library as opposed to a night out in the city. He wasn’t unpopular by any means, but often he felt as though he stood out amongst his friends, always ‘the weird one’ of the group.  
  
He didn’t exactly like labels, but if there was any one way to describe Phil’s aesthetic, it was definitely punk.  
  
At 6ft 3, Phil worried he could at first appear intimidating. However, to anyone who took the time to get to know him, it was laughable that Philip Lester was anything remotely close to intimidating. He was about as intimidating as a pink butterfly stuck to a marshmallow.  
  
Though naturally a brunette, Phil dyed his hair a deep blue, like the depths of the ocean. He straightened it every single morning; the alternative being embracing his natural waves, which were way too adorable for his aesthetic.  
  
He had both of his ears pierced and stretched, though he was reluctant to wear wider than 5mm for fear of permanently disfiguring his earlobes. Phil had commitment issues, which were not limited to relationships, often manifesting in everyday decisions such as tattoos and piercings.  
  
Ironically, he had a whole sleeve of tattoos. It had taken months before his Mum would even acknowledge them, heartbroken that her son's skin was now permanently scarred with ink. Phil insisted he was certain he wouldn’t live to regret his choices, though the truth was, he couldn’t help but worry he’d grow to hate them.  
  
For now though, he loved the cherry blossoms that swirled alongside constellations and celtic patterns up his left arm, all interlinked together as one mismatched, yet oddly charming masterpiece. He even adored the geometric lion covered with splashes of pastel watercolour carved onto his ribs like a secret reference to his softer side that only those he felt most comfortable around were entrusted with.  
  
An intricate rose snaked up his neck and around his collarbones, the result of a very painful, impulsive 3 hour tattooing session on his 18th birthday; admittedly a bold move for his first tattoo (or his first as far as his poor Mum was aware. His actual first tattoo was a stick and poke moon to his right ankle).  
  
Phil wasn’t afraid of expressing himself, and had no reservations about trying his hand at make-up either. He often delicately painted his eyelids a soft grey, and lined his lower lids with black eyeliner which by now, he had down to an art.  
  
He was 14 years old when he first attempted make-up. His Mum had gone to visit his Aunt for the day, and the first thing he had done, right as he heard her car leave the driveway, was run up the stairs two at a time and sit himself in front of her dressing table mirror, digging through her make-up bag. He’d been carefully watching makeup tutorials for weeks, waiting for his opportunity to put his new knowledge into practice.  
  
As it turned out, eyeliner was in fact not as easy as the YouTubers had made it seem, and by the time he’d finished, he looked a little like a clown from a horror movie he’d watched. When his Mum returned, she noticed the dark rings under Phil’s eyes where he’d tried to remove the eye makeup, and had asked him about it. Kath and Phil had always had a close relationship, and he felt guilty lying to her.  
  
“I just...wanted to try makeup,” Phil had told her solemnly. “I’m sorry I didn’t ask.” Kath had just shook her head and smiled.  
  
“Philly, you know you can come to me about anything,” she reassured him gently. “Even makeup. So how about I show you how it’s used properly?”  
  
From then on, Phil would apply makeup most days; it made him feel empowered, and gave him the ability to express himself.  
  
By 18, makeup was just part of his daily routine. Sure, he had received a fair amount of hate from his peers, but nothing close to what he had expected. Their words had nothing on the liberation of finally being himself, and after starting university, he realised that nobody looked twice. In fact, he was one of many others who both identified as male and also used cosmetics.

At work, he toned his makeup down somewhat. The dress code stated that all makeup, jewellery and piercings should be kept to a minimum. Phil’s opinion was that so long as nothing was offensive, he should be allowed to wear whatever he liked, so he refused to remove his piercings. So far, that hadn’t posed as an issue, but he kept his makeup minimal anyway.  
  
After studying film editing at university, Phil had hoped he’d get into the film industry, but so far, he hadn’t lucked out. He knew he’d probably have to start from the bottom, perhaps editing for advertisements or businesses, but as yet, he hadn’t found anything in the area he could apply for.  
  
Moving to Manchester had been his dream since being a child, and he’d always kind of just expected things to fall into place once he got a flat in the city, but as he was finding out, that wasn’t the case. Instead, Phil had found himself working in customer retail, sitting behind the till scrolling through job sites, searching for something that didn’t involve… people.  
  
During this time, he couldn’t deny that he often found himself also scrolling through tumblr. As a teenager, Phil had started a blog for aesthetic posts, and had quickly become addicted to building an edgy profile for himself.  
  
Now, years later, he had tens of thousands of followers who would message him asking for anything from advice on starting out a blog to his relationship status. Despite being single, Phil wasn’t usually one to engage in flirting over social media.  
  
Well, that was until he found Dan.  
  
Dan was different; he wasn’t arrogant or full of himself. His blog wasn’t offensive or problematic, but instead reflected a gentle, lost soul searching for his place in the world. Phil debated for a long time about messaging Dan, and eventually concluded, without trying to be too cringed, that you only live once. Playing it safe, he started by sending anonymous asks. This way, he could gauge Dan’s reaction before revealing himself.

“Lester!”  
  
Phil nearly fell off of his stool behind the counter as he instantly recognised the voice.  
  
“You’re not paid to sit around on your phone,” James, his supervisor, warned with raised eyebrows.  
  
Phil glanced around sulkily. His shift had been incredibly quiet; he’d already cleared away all of the dishes, asked each of the customers several times if they wanted anything, and hovered over the tables wiping them down. Frankly, he was beginning to worry he was becoming a nuisance.  
  
“I’ve done everything,” he commented, gesturing to the tidy counter, and one remaining customer.  
  
“That doesn’t mean you get to sit around doing nothing,” James scowled, sitting down next to Phil. “I’m sure whatever you’re doing can wait until after work.”  
  
“Sure.” Phil tucked his phone into his pocket and looked up at the clock. It was 10.15pm - his shift had finished 15 minutes ago, but he wasn’t brave enough to point this out to James, who had arrived late to take over from him as usual.  
  
“Uh, well anyway, there was a middle-aged guy skulking around the entrance earlier but security are keeping an eye out, and apparently the money is being collected at 5am, not 6am,” Phil handed over as he collected his coat. “I’ll see you tomorrow, I guess.”  
  
“You’re on the early?”  
  
“No, Jenny is on the early. You’re on the night shift. At 10pm,” he quickly added before turning to leave.  
  
It was cold out, but Phil was desperate to see if Dan had replied again, so he ignored the frost biting at his fingers and retrieved his phone from his pocket.

Thankfully (and surprisingly), Dan seemed receptive to his advances. Phil smiled to himself in the cold, January air, pausing for a moment before deciding to move over to instant messaging.


	4. Chapter 2.5

__ AmazingPhil [to bloodredrebel] (10.21pm): Hey! It’s me, P! Ha, that rhymes xD  
_   
_ __ bloodredrebel (10.21pm): oh hi! 

__ AmazingPhil (10.22pm): I was so afraid you wouldn’t reply omg haha  
_   
_ __ bloodredrebel (10.22pm): i said i would! unless you’re a 65 year old german dude typing naked from his basement??

__ AmazingPhil (10.22pm): Nah, I’m only 43  
__   
__ bloodredrebel (10.23pm): oh good, i was starting to worry  
__   
__ AmazingPhil (10.23pm): Hahaha, I’m Phil btw.  
__   
__ bloodredrebel (10.38pm): well i guess you already know i’m dan  
_   
_ __ AmazingPhil (10.39pm): Could be an alias..

_ bloodredrebel (10.39pm): it’s not lol _

_ AmazingPhil (10.39pm): I wouldn't lie either if I was as cool as you tbf  _

_ bloodredrebel (11.14pm) oh wow _

_ AmazingPhil (11.16pm): Was that too cheesy? _

_ bloodredrebel (11.16pm): no, I'm very grate-ful _

_ AmazingPhil (11.17pm): You've got to Brie kidding me, that cheese pun was terrible _

_ bloodredrebel (11.17pm): think you can do feta?? _

_ AmazingPhil (11.19pm): I used to know a really good one but I Camembert it _

_ bloodredrebel (11.50pm): ok i don't think i can top that XD _

_ AmazingPhil (11.52pm): I don't even like cheese! _

_ bloodredrebel (11.59pm): WHAT _

_ AmazingPhil (11.59pm): Yeah.. _

_ bloodredrebel (12.00am): what about pizza?! _

_ AmazingPhil (12.00am): I like pizza dw _

_ bloodredrebel (12.00am): you do know it's like 33% cheese right? _

_ AmazingPhil (12.01am): Yeah but it tastes alright on pizza! _

_ bloodredrebel (12.01am): that doesn't make sense but sure XD _

_ AmazingPhil (12.02am): Is that a dealbreaker? _

_ bloodredrebel (12.20am): no haha but it's pretty weird _

_ AmazingPhil (12.20am):  PHEW. I thought I'd blown it with the coolest guy on tumblr  _

_ bloodredrebel (12.21am): now THATS an exaggeration _

_ AmazingPhil (12.21am): No way! _

_ bloodredrebel (12.22am): you don't even know me irl XD _

_ AmazingPhil (12.22am): How do you know?! Where do you live anyway? _

_ bloodredrebel (12.30am): stalker much haha. i’m at manchester uni _

_ AmazingPhil (12.30am): I live in Manchester! _

_ bloodredrebel (12.30am): no way!  _

_ AmazingPhil (12.31am): Yeah! I went to York uni then moved here afterwards _

_ bloodredrebel (12.40am): What did you study? _

_ AmazingPhil (12.40am): Language and Linguistics, you? _

_ bloodredrebel (12.40am): theatre _

_ AmazingPhil (12.41am): I LOVE theatre! It doesn't really match my appearance though, because I'm pretty punk lol _

_ bloodredrebel (12.50am): same _

_ AmazingPhil (12.50am): That’s so cool! What kind of bands do you listen to? _

__ bloodredrebel (12.50am): oh a bit of everything really, how about you?  
__   
__ AmazingPhil (12.51am): Well, I like Green Day, Blink-182, and those kinds of things as well as some of the older stuff like Misfits and The Jam. I’m listening to a Studio Ghibli playlist atm though haha  
__   
__ bloodredrebel (12.51am): omg i love anime. have you watched howl’s moving castle? it’s one of my favourites  
__   
__ AmazingPhil (12.51am): I’m not sure there’s a Studio Ghibli I /haven’t/ seen tbh. Atm I am in love with Yuri on Ice, have you seen it???  
__   
__ bloodredrebel (12.52am): YES ughhh. sorry my replies are short. i’ve been doing uni work at the library  
__   
__ AmazingPhil (12.59am): It’s 1am! Dw though, I probably reply too much but I never usually message people so idk what the protocol is haha  
_   
_ __ bloodredrebel (12.59am): oh wow i feel special

_ AmazingPhil (12.59am): You are. _

 


	5. Chapter 3

That night, Dan snuck back into his flat quietly. He carefully listened against the door for a moment, fearful that his flatmates could still be having ‘pre-drinks’ before going out on the town. Dan had never really understood the concept of pre-drinks. What was the point in getting drunk before you’ve even left the house, only to be denied access to the majority of bars in town for already being pissed? Nevertheless, his flat had a habit of staying in, drinking cans, shots of vodka, and practically anything else they could get their hands on until the early hours of the morning, when they’d eventually leave.

Dan glanced at his phone; it was almost 1am, and everything seemed silent inside. He slowly cracked the door open, ready to bolt to his room, when he heard a voice from inside.  
  
“They’re not here, Dan. Just open the bloody door and come inside. You’re letting all the cold in.”  
  
Dan’s heart started to beat rapidly as he swung the door open, coming face to face with Aaron, one of his flatmates, who had evidently been drinking.  
  
“Hey,” Dan smiled, not making eye contact. He planned to hurry to his room; claim he had work to finish, or that he needed to be up early tomorrow. His plans were foiled however, when he noticed that Aaron’s eyes were red and swollen as though he had been crying.  
  
“Uhh, you okay?” Dan asked hastily, finally meeting Aaron’s gaze. “Why aren’t you out with the others?”  
  
Aaron groaned, fresh tears appearing in his eyes. “It’s my brother, mate.” He shook his head, almost as though in disbelief. Sensing that this was serious, Dan led Aaron into the kitchen and switched the kettle on.  
  
Aaron and Dan hadn’t talked much since moving in together, mainly because they’d never really crossed paths. Dan kept to himself, and Aaron was one of the ‘in’ crowd. He liked to party, drink, go to concerts - everything Dan hated. Dan didn’t have a heart of stone though; he probably cared too much about other people, and not enough about himself.  
  
As he stood waiting for the water to boil, he turned to face Aaron, leaning back against the counter. “What’s happened?” he asked quietly, allowing his flatmate the time to catch his breath through his tears.  
  
“My brother. Cain. He’s had a run-in with a shitty group of kids - a gang, and I don’t know - his mates say he tried to back away, but they - they just stabbed him, you know? He’s just 14, man. _14_ .” It was strange to Dan seeing this 6ft, broad, confident guy crying, but he poured them both a hot chocolate and sat down at the table, quiet; listening. 

“This gang - they’re well known in my area, always causing trouble. And sure, Cain isn’t an angel himself, but he’s going through some stuff. He came out as gay last month, at Christmas when all of the family were together. He said he just wanted to live his truth, whatever the hell that means. And now he’s in fucking surgery and they don’t know if he’ll live.”  
  
“Aaron-,”  
  
“You always fight, as brothers, and I guess when something like this happens, you just wish you had said ‘I love you’ more.” Aaron gripped his mug and stared into the foamy drink thoughtfully. “I feel like it’s my fault. He came to me before I left - he asked me what he should do next, and I told him to always be himself.”  
  
“Aaron, you couldn’t have known this would happen,” Dan soothed, placing his hand on his flatmates arm. “You couldn’t have known.”  
  
“I suppose not, but look at me - I’m 200 miles away whilst my brothers life hangs in the balance. What kind of a brother does that make me?”  
  
“When did you last hear from your Mum?” Dan asked. “Is she keeping you updated?”  
  
“An hour ago. She said he’s in surgery, and that it’s pretty serious. They don’t know if he’ll make it.”  
  
“You need to stay positive, for Cain.” Dan whispered. He didn’t consider himself very good at comforting people, but he cared, and seeing someone else in trouble made his anxiety melt away. All he could think about in that moment was being a good friend. “Is there anything I can do?”  
  
Aaron shook his head, closing his eyes and wiping his tears on his shirt. “The others just went out and told me to go to bed, so I really appreciate you listening. You don’t have to wait up with me.”  
“I want to,” Dan replied quietly.  
  
“He was just learning to accept himself,” Aaron sobbed. “I was - _am_ so proud of him. It must have took real balls to announce to your whole family that you’re gay on Christmas of all times... ”  
  
“That sure was an impressive thing to do,” Dan smiled encouragingly. “I was 16 when my family found out.”  
  
“You’re gay?”  
  
“Yeah, I don’t really talk about it, and I never meant them to find out. I backtracked but I don’t think they believe me.”

“See, at least you _told_ them.”  
  
Dan laughed. “I didn’t _tell_ them, per se. I invited my boyfriend around...oh God, I can’t believe I’m telling you this - I invited him around because my parents were out.. he’d brought condoms...lube, you know. We were going to _do_ it. Turns out, my parents came back home way earlier than expected - walked in on me...on top of him...naked.” Aaron gasped in horror.  
  
“No way! You were actually having sex with him?!”  
  
“Not yet, and it’s a pretty big mood kill when your Dad walks in and starts shouting homophobic slurs at you and your boyfriend. Never saw him again - my boyfriend that is. I only just managed to leave home in September.”  
  
“Jesus...dude...what a way to come out.”  
  
“I know right?” Dan shook his head and smiled. “The thing is, there are always going to be people out there who don’t like the way you’re living your life, but that doesn’t mean you have to hide away like I did. I promised my parents it was a one off, a phase...but your brother - he’s brave - he’s done a really courageous thing by opening up. You weren’t wrong to encourage him. It damages you more to hide who you are than to be yourself. Nobody could have known this would happen, and I hope to God those kids get what’s coming to them, but it doesn’t mean he was wrong to tell everyone.”  
  
“I’m so fucking proud of him, but if this is what happens after just a month, I’m terrified of what the future holds for him.”  
  
Aaron’s phone buzzed in front of them, and Dan gripped his flatmates hand tightly as he opened the message and hastily read through the text. His eyes filled once more and his grip tightened on Dan’s hand. _“He’s going to be okay.”_

Dan had seen Aaron to his room, hugging him reassuringly and making him promise to keep him updated on his brother. Aaron thanked him, and they disappeared into their rooms for the night.  
  
Dan flopped down onto his bed, exhausted from the last few hours. He lay there for several moments, silently praying to a God he didn’t necessarily believe in for Cain’s health. It was another hour before Dan opened his tumblr app, finding that he had a message from P. Curling up under his duvet, he plugged his phone in to charge and began to reply.

 


	6. Chapter 3.5

_AmazingPhil [to bloodredrebel] (1.36am): Sorry if I weirded you out :/_

_bloodredrebel (2.42am): you didn’t, i just got in the flat and one of my flatmates was upset so i was just sitting with them_

_AmazingPhil (2.42am): Oh no! Are they okay?_

_bloodredrebel (2.42am): yeah, their brother is in hospital but he’s going to be okay_

_AmazingPhil (2.43am): It’s pretty late, don’t you ever sleep?!_

_bloodredrebel (2.43am): i could say the same about you!_

_AmazingPhil (2.44am): I’m not working until 1pm so I’m fine haha_

_bloodredrebel (3.01am): that’s good. where do you work?_

_AmazingPhil (3.02am): Just someplace in town. I serve coffee to grumpy city dwellers for a living. It’s not much, but it pays the bills._

_bloodredrebel (3.02am): i used to work in focus (the diy store) but i got fired for selling an axe to a 12 year old so retail really isn’t my thing_

_AmazingPhil (3.02am): You’re kidding right?!_

_bloodredrebel (3.03am): unfortunately not. also got fired from asda because i pulled a sick day to go to reading festival and my boss rang my house to check up on me and my mum told him where i was like omfg mum_

_AmazingPhil (3.03am): Hahaha that’s something my Mum would do! So are you from Reading?_

_bloodredrebel (3.03am): yeah, are you from Manchester?_

_AmazingPhil (3.04am): My family live in Rossendale, but I’ve always wanted to live in the city_

_bloodredrebel (3.04am): and you were at york before?_

_AmazingPhil (3.04am): Yeah! I went to York uni, did language and linguistics then a film editing masters, then moved to Manchester not long ago_

_bloodredrebel (3.04am): it’s so weird we’re both living in manchester. cool though_

_AmazingPhil (3.04am): You said you’re studying theatre? Do you enjoy it?_

_bloodredrebel (3.05am): I think so! i find it quite therapeutic. film editing sounds interesting, are you going to pursue it?_

_AmazingPhil (3.05am): I really hope so! Jobs are just so hard to find. It doesn’t help that I have so many tattoos and piercings and I refuse to take them out just for a job._

_bloodredrebel (3.19am): what kind of tattoos do you have?_

_AmazingPhil (3.21am): I have a stick and poke on my ankle (but that’s between you and me xD), a geometric design of a lion’s head on my ribs, and I also have a sleeve_

_bloodredrebel (3.21am): COOL. i have roses on my collarbones_

_AmazingPhil (3.21am): That sounds cute_

_bloodredrebel (3.21am): uhh they’re black though, so pretty punk tbh_

_AmazingPhil (3.22am): I’m sure ;)_

_bloodredrebel (3.22am): i’m telling the truth! it’s not like they’re pink or girly or anything  
_  
_AmazingPhil (3.22am): There’s no such thing as girly, only what society deems feminine_

_bloodredrebel (3.28am): v true_

_AmazingPhil (3.28am): much accurtadf siuc f_

_bloodredrebel (3.28am): ???_

_AmazingPhil (3.29am): I think I just had a micronap. Sorry lol_

_bloodredrebel (3.29am): maybe you should get some sleep?!_

_AmazingPhil (3.29am): Probably. Night Dan. Don’t be a stranger._

_bloodredrebel (3.29am): in your dreams ;) message me tomorrow?_

_AmazingPhil (3.29am): Of course :) Night_


	7. Chapter 4

The following morning, Phil was awoken by the bright winter sun piercing through his curtains much earlier than he would have liked.  
  
Ducking under the covers to protect his unaccustomed eyes, Phil braced for the blinding light as he took a peek at his phone to see that it was 10.03am. He was due at work in just under four hours. It rarely took him over 15 minutes to make his way in for a shift, and with this comforting thought in mind, he relaxed back into his soft, foam pillows and dialled his Mum’s phone number.

Kath picked up after just two rings, almost as though she'd been hanging onto her phone waiting. “Philly! How are you? I haven’t heard from you in ages!”  
  
Phil let out a sigh of relief. He loved talking with his Mum; they had such a close relationship and there was very little he didn't share with her. He usually made sure to phone her at least once or twice a week, but if he was entirely honest with himself, he was trying to avoid the ‘career talk’. Bless Kath, she only brought it up out of concern, but Phil was ashamed that he hadn't yet found a suitable job, and talking about it was tough.

“It’s been a week, Mum,” he replied quietly, a pang of guilt creeping into his chest.  
  
“More like 9 days, young man!” She replied. “9 whole days!”  
  
“You’re allowed to call me, you know!” Phil reminded her with a laugh.  
  
“Oh,I know...but I wouldn’t want to take you away from more important things, or embarrass you by calling you up whilst you’re out with your friends.”  
  
Phil furrowed his brow and reminded his Mum that he didn’t have the glowing social life she seemed to think he had, but she brushed him off as she always did.  
  
Kathryn Lester wasn’t by any means disillusioned; she knew that Phil liked to keep to himself, but that didn’t mean she’d ever stop trying to encourage him to get out more - to make some friends and act like the carefree young adult she longed for him to be, for his own sake. She loved him immensely just the way he was, but she feared he isolated himself far more than was healthy despite her son’s protestations that he was simply introverted, and happy enough just the way he was.  
  
“How’s the job searching going anyway? Any luck?” Kath asked hopefully. Phil sighed. He was hoping they would get at least 5 minutes worth of conversation before the dreaded question.

“Bad.” Phil closed his eyes and rubbed his furrowed brow firmly to ease his growing headache. “There’s not much going, and it’s not like I have any experience so I’m unlikely to be anyone’s first choice anyway,” Phil explained quietly.  
  
He heard his Mum shuffle on the other end of the phone; he could almost hear her next sentence before it had even left her mouth. “I know, sweetheart. It’s just that you hate where you are at the moment, and it wouldn’t hurt to apply for a few things. You’ve always been so critical of yourself, Phil, but you’re good at what you do and any employer would be lucky to have you. You need to have more faith in yourself.”  
  
“Maybe,” he replied half-heartedly. “I’ll keep looking. I did see something...video editing for online personalities. I’m not sure what that means exactly, but they didn’t have the impossible criteria that everywhere else seems to have. I think it’s like YouTube and stuff.” It wasn’t a lie exactly; Phil had spotted an advert for a management company specialising in online celebrities, but he just couldn’t bring himself to apply, fearing he would be mocked for even having the audacity to try with his lack of experience and introverted personality.  
  
“Good. It’s a step in the right direction away from that coffee shop you seem to hate so much.”  
  
“It’s not a coffee shop - it’s a library that sells coffee,” Phil reminded her softly, as if this made all the difference. After all the moaning he’d done about his boss, his colleagues and the ungrateful throng of students that bustled through Manchester University library each day, he knew that his attempts to pretend he wasn’t unhappy were futile. “And I don't hate it.”  
  
Kath laughed. “That's not what you’ve been telling me for the past...oh let me think...entire 6 months you’ve been working there! You said you hated students and you felt embarrassed you'd ever been one.”  
“Not all of them are bad,” Phil replied quietly. He hoped his Mum wouldn't delve but Kath had never been one to let the opportunity for a little bit of gossip pass her by.  
  
“Ooh, do I sense a bit of admiration for someone there, Philly?” Nothing got past Kath.  
  
Phil blushed as a beautifully vivid picture of the boy he'd committed to memory flashed through his mind; the quiet brown-haired boy who always sat alone in the corner.  
  
“Girl, boy, non-binary?” Kath asked excitedly, taking Phil’s dreamy silence as confirmation of her suspicions. It was no secret to her that her son was attracted to all genders, and from the day he'd told her, she'd been nothing but supportive. She’d even taken the time to learn what each gender and sexuality meant so that she could better understand her son and his potential future love interests.

Until he was 15, Phil hadn't felt any attraction at all towards anybody, regardless of gender and had began to wonder if he ever would. Much to his relief (and simultaneous panic) he developed feelings for a guy called Tom in Year 11. Unfortunately, Tom was straight, but by this point, Phil was simply relieved to finally feel like he was ‘normal’, whatever that meant.  
  
For two years, Phil ignored his attraction toward boys, and exclusively dated girls; sometimes even just to distract anyone from suspicion that he wasn't heterosexual. It was one of his biggest regrets that he hadn't come out to his Mum sooner, because when on one April afternoon he had shakily asked his Mum if they could talk, she hadn't so much as flinched as he explained that no, his best friend Jessica was not his girlfriend - in fact Jace was his boyfriend and had been for 6 months.  
  
“Oh Philly,” she had sighed, letting out a deep breath. “I thought you were going to tell me you'd gotten someone pregnant or killed Noris…”  
  
“No, Norris is fine. And I don't think I'm going to be getting anyone pregnant anytime soon,” he'd replied, tears in his eyes as Kath held him close and reassured him that she loved him no matter who he chose to kiss.

“Boy,” Phil replied, a grin spreading across his face, complimenting the rosy hue spreading across his cheeks. “He doesn't even really know me though.”  
“You haven't spoken to him?”  
  
“Uh...I've served him coffee...but no, I haven't spoken to him properly.”  
  
Kath squealed in delight, eager for details. Her son hadn't been in a relationship since the heartbreak of Jace who'd moved away for university.  
  
“Mum, he's probably not even into guys,” Phil added quickly before she got too carried away. “I mean, it's pretty hard to figure that out subtly.”  
  
“Then don't be subtle!” Kath replied excitedly.  
  
“Mum, Mum...calm down! I can't just go up to him all like ‘oh hey, I'm Phil and I think you're really hot.”  
  
“Mmmhmm,” she replied knowingly. “So how are you going to ask him out?”  
  
“Mum!”  
  
“Sorry, you know I get a bit over-excited,” Kath apologised, though she didn’t really mean it. “But are you?”  
  
Phil couldn’t get mad at her; he could hear the hopeful smile in her voice and he knew she only meant the best for him - plus, she was right; he wouldn’t know until he tried.  
  
“I’ll think about it,” he replied softly.


	8. Chapter 4.5

Phil’s phone buzzed with a message from Dan; he'd turned on his tumblr notifications to make sure he wouldn't miss anything, but he hadn't wanted to wake him either. Eager to open up his tumblr app, he tried to subtly bring the conversation with his Mum to a close, but Kath of course knew exactly why this was.  
  
“Listen Mum, I've got to go, but I'll call you again soon okay?” He told her, “I won't leave it so long this time!”  
  
Kath chuckled, having heard the phone vibrate through her speakers. “No problem, let me know how it goes. I'll be expecting updates Philly!”  
  
"Of course,” Phil smiled, “I’ll let you know. Speak to you later.”

 _bloodredrebel [to AmazingPhil] (10.56am): hey_  
  
_AmazingPhil (10.58am): Hi! How are you?_  
  
_bloodredrebel (10.59): not bad. did you hear the thunder last night though? ughhhhh_  
  
_AmazingPhil (10.59am): Don't you like thunderstorms? They're so pretty!_  
  
_bloodredrebel (10.59am): no way_  
  
_bloodredrebel (10.59am): not when it's right over your house trying to zap the shit out of you. luckily i am brave_  
  
_AmazingPhil (11.00am): Awww I want to be there so you don't have to be brave_  
  
_bloodredrebel (11.12am): i wish you had been jfc i thought i was going to die_  
  
_AmazingPhil (11.12am): Thankfully you didn't!_  
  
_AmazingPhil (11.12am): What are you up to today?_  
  
_bloodredrebel (11.12am): i’ve got a meeting with my tutor at 12 and then i’ll probably just lurk in the library until my flatmates have gone to bed_  
  
_AmazingPhil (11.13am): How come you avoid them?_  
  
_bloodredrebel (11.14am) idk i’m just not so great at the whole socialising thing so i prefer to hang out in the library and study. I hate being dragged to parties and stuff_  
  
_AmazingPhil (11.14am): An introverted punk, huh?_  
  
_bloodredrebel (11.14am): yeah i guess_  
  
_AmazingPhil (11.15am): Don't worry, I'm a giant introverted nerd too so I'm not judging. I've got work today and the thought of interacting with anybody in person terrifies me_  
  
_AmazingPhil (11.15am): we could be the interactive introverts_  
  
_bloodredrebel (11.16am): has a bit of a ring to it tbh. what time are you at work?_  
  
_AmazingPhil (11.16am): 1pm, so I’m just getting dressed now if I don't reply much_  
  
_bloodredrebel (11.17am): dw i have to leave for my appointment with my tutor soon so text me when you finish work? here’s my number:_

_…_

_UNKNOWN [to Dan] (11.17am): Hey!_

_…_

_AmazingPhil [to bloodredrebel] (11.18am): Thanks! Did you just get my text?_

_…_

_Dan [to Phil] (11.18am): yeah ty speak later_  
  
_Phil (11.19am): Hope your appointment goes okay!_


	9. Chapter 5

Once Dan finally managed to force himself from the warmth of his cosy duvet, he plodded through to the kitchen in only his boxers and pyjama t-shirt in search of Crunchy Nut, where to his relief, he was greeted only by Aaron. Everyone else, he figured, were still in bed recovering from the previous evening’s antics.  
  
“Hey dude,” Aaron smiled weakly as he sipped a cup of what smelled like incredibly strong coffee.  
  
“You haven’t been awake all night, have you?” Dan asked, motioning to the sludgy mug of caffeine.  
  
“Not _all_ night.” His face slackened, his cheerful facade crumbling away.  
  
Dan suddenly became aware of the dark shadows underneath his lids; the bloodshot eyes of exhaustion and pain that Dan himself recognised all too well.  
  
“Thanks for sitting up with me last night, it means a lot, man. Everyone else just pissed off to God knows where. He’s okay - Cain. He’s stable. Apparently he woke up this morning and cracked a joke about how shitty everyone else looked from the exhaustion of worrying about _him_ all night. The stabwound went right through his side, just missed his stomach. He lost a lot of blood, but he’s going to be alright.”  
  
Dan let out a sigh of relief and rushed over to put his arm around Aaron. “Did they catch the fuckers that did it?”  
  
“Not yet, but they’ve got people checking CCTV, and once Cain is a bit stronger, the police will interview him which will hopefully lead to arrests. If he talks.”  
  
Dan nodded, pouring himself some cereal and silently planning his day ahead. He needed to get a lot of work done if he was going to be able to turn his assignment in on time, so with that in mind, he apologised to Aaron for his haste and rushed off to get dressed.

Although he’d been embracing his pastel preferences for a while, Dan still struggled with the fear of what others were thinking about him from time to time. Usually, this was an indicator of increased anxiety levels, and having suffered with anxiety for a long time, Dan had grown used to the insistent tugging he often felt in his chest.  
  
Today was one of the more difficult days, though he couldn’t put his finger on exactly why that was; perhaps it was the worry he’d felt for Aaron and Cain, or the lack of sleep he’d had due to messaging Phil, or both. Today however, Dan just wasn’t feeling comfortable in his own skin. His heart thumped and adrenaline ran through his body as he tried in vain to slow his breathing.  
  
With this discomfort and worry at the forefront of his mind, he pulled on his only remaining pair of black skinny jeans from the era of his conformity in sixth form, reserved for emergencies such as this, and a light blue pullover. He preferred pinks, yellows and lilacs, but if he couldn’t fully express himself, at least he could still wear blue. _Damn gender roles,_ he thought.

The library was surprisingly busy when Dan finally arrived - he’d expected it to be quieter considering that a lot of the students on campus had been out the previous night, but then again, a lot of people had assignments due the following week and as usual had left it until last minute. Despite this, Dan managed to find a seat over in his usual corner where he spread his books and papers across the coffee table and began to work.   
  
He became so lost in his essay that he forgot entirely to check his phone until it began to buzz in his pocket. His heart leapt for a fleeting moment before he realised it was only a text reminder to pick up a prescription for his antidepressants and not a message from Phil.

Trying not to feel disappointed, he threw his phone into his bag and returned to the work in front of him, suddenly becoming aware of a shadow covering his table. The shadow belonged to the tall, black haired barista he’d noticed to be working late the previous night,  holding a small notepad, pen poised to take orders.  
  
“Can I get you a drink?” he asked nervously. Dan noted the way the man’s hand was entwined the wrong way round in his belt-loop as he looked everywhere but at him. Again, Dan wished that this new, strange, coffee-serving initiative had not found itself at Manchester Uni where his introverted ass liked to study, but he forced himself to smile gratefully as he politely declined.  
  
“Uh...I-uh...I insist,” the man stuttered. “You look like a cappuccino kind of guy...am I right?” He shuffled from foot to foot anxiously, and Dan felt strangely calm and unthreatened - a stark contrast to his usual disposition when faced with human interaction.  
  
“Yeah...how did you-how did you know?” he replied surprised. “That I like cappuccinos?”  
  
“I don’t know. You just seem like a cappuccino kind of guy,” the man smiled, finally meeting Dan’s gaze before walking back toward the counter to prepare the drink. Dan glanced back at his work with raised eyebrows, stunned into silence.

First, a visibly anxious guy had come over offering him a drink...then said guy had _insisted_ he accept a drink he’d declined, and _then_ he’d guessed his favourite drink before sidling away to prepare it with a smug (albeit very adorable) smile across his face.  
  
Dan reached into his bag, checking his phone once more for messages, but there was still no reply from Phil. He checked his inbox, his asks, and was just about to refresh his mentions when a coffee cup was gently placed down next to him. “Enjoy, Dan,” the barista said quietly before disappearing back through the crowded library to his counter.

Dan turned back from his bag and reached for his cup, removing the lid and gently blowing on the steaming drink. It was several minutes before Dan noticed the black scribble on the side of his cup. It was barely legible, but just enough so for him to make out the little wavy line and curly P. ~P.  
  
Dan’s head began to spin. He lifted his gaze to see that the black haired man was staring right back at him through the throng of students queuing for their coffee; he had been waiting for him to take a sip, to notice the trademark sign-off.   
  
Dan didn’t know what to think. He began to feel nauseous and dizzy as he slowly realised the implications of this revelation.  
  
Phil had known who he was all along. He had hidden his identity and watched from afar, all whilst knowing that Dan was not in fact the punk he claimed to be.  
  
Feeling entirely humiliated, Dan pushed the cup away from him and quickly gathered together his books and papers, stuffing them haphazardly into his bag before darting out of the library leaving Phil’s heart thumping in his wake.

 


	10. Chapter 5.5

BzzzzZzz BZZZzz BzzzzzZ  
  
Dan glanced over at his phone which he'd placed face down on his bedside table. As soon as he'd arrived back at his flat, he'd flung his bag in the corner of his room and crawled back under his duvet in shame.  
  
It was the third time his phone had buzzed in the space of 20 minutes, and though he was tempted to answer, the thought of speaking to anyone right now, especially Phil, felt too much. Phil had _lied,_ but so had Dan, and clearly, Phil had known that from the very beginning. He would _hate_ him, Dan panicked, tears welling in his eyes. He knew it had all been too good to be true. He was a burden on everyone, he thought to himself, pulling the covers up over his face. Phil didn’t deserve this. Dan decided there was only one thing to do; leave Phil alone. It was better for both of them.

_Phil [to Dan] (3.42pm): I’m sorry_   
  
_Phil (3.43pm): Please let me explain_   
  
_Phil (3.58pm): ??_   
  
_Phil (4.10pm) Dan?_   
  
_Phil (8.56pm): Dan, I’m really sorry. Please reply._

…

Sunday  
  
_Phil (4.09am): Please just let me know you got this?  
  
_ _Phil (6.01pm): I didn’t mean to upset you, please just answer so we can talk?_

_..._

Tuesday  
  
_Phil (3.10pm): I’m worried about you. You’re not at the library. Where are you? Are you okay?  
  
_ _Phil (5.12pm): James says you haven’t been in since Saturday. Just please tell me you’re okay and I’ll leave you alone._

_...  
_

Friday  
  
_Phil (10.43am): ??_  
  
 _Dan (10.44am): i’m fine_  
  
 _Dan (10.44am): leave me alone_

 

 


	11. Chapter 6

It was two weeks before Dan returned to the library. Usually, Phil would see him there more often than not, and each day that passed without his presence only caused Phil to worry more and more. Each time he arrived for a shift and spotted the empty corner, his stomach dropped and guilt crept through his entire body. He truly hadn’t intended to humiliate Dan, but as time went by, he became increasingly aware of just how problematic his actions had potentially been.

During this time, Dan debuted as Milo, but much to his dismay, it didn’t feel as exhilarating as it usually did to be up on stage. He gave it his everything, and his drama society all assured him that he had done an amazing job; that he’d played the role better than anyone else ever could have and the university newspaper gave a 5 star review, but Dan just hadn’t felt like he’d done it justice. His voice sang all the right notes; he spoke all the right words; remembered all of his cues and didn’t forget a single move, but it didn’t feel right to _him._ _  
_

How could he channel everything into playing a character, when playing that character had landed him in the situation he was in in the first place? It pained him to even think of his blog; he hadn’t updated in days (thank heavens for queues), and suddenly, the only person he wanted to be was himself. The trouble was, that was even _harder_ . 

Eventually, Dan returned to his usual spot tucked away from the others, albeit with a more reserved and anxious demeanour than usual, but Phil felt relief wash over him all the same. Dan didn’t make eye contact with Phil, and instead purposefully sat with his back to the coffee counter, headphones over his ears; a clear indicator that he wanted to remain undisturbed. 

As he meandered around the room taking orders from students and clearing tables, Phil was careful to keep his distance from Dan, who was also sure to avoid acknowledging Phil’s presence. Time seemed to slow down; Phil’s entire shift passed excruciatingly slowly and by 10pm, he was more than ready to head home. For once, he found himself relieved to finally spot James making his way over to begin the night shift. 

“Hey,” Phil waved cheerily, gathering his coat and bag from beneath the counter. “It’s been pretty quiet today, so I managed to do the stock check and clean the coffee makers. Keys are hanging up.”  
  
" Sure,” James replied absent-mindedly as he began to make himself a coffee. He would have reported Phil for sure if _he’d_ done that after arriving 10 minutes late (as usual), Phil mused. He doubted James had even heard him at all. 

“See you, then,” he sighed, turning to leave. Before he began to head for the door, Phil glanced over to Dan’s corner, where to his surprise, he saw that the student was slumped over his books, soundly asleep, phone lying abandoned on the floor where he must have dropped it as he’d nodded off.   
  
Phil couldn’t leave him that way, especially considering his phone was in view of everyone in the library, screaming out to be stolen. Summoning all of the courage he could muster, Phil strode over and gently cleared his throat. Thankfully, Dan’s headphones had fallen from his ears, and he woke with a start. He glanced around quickly, taking in his surroundings in confusion before recognising Phil and sighing, his expression hardening. 

“What do you want?” Dan asked quietly.   
  
“Nothing. You dropped your phone. It was on the floor,” Phil replied, handing the iPhone back over. “Didn’t want anyone else picking it up.”  
  
“Sure, thanks.” 

Phil began to turn to leave, before impulsively stopping in his tracks and spinning back round to face the confused student sat sleepily in front of him.  
  
“I really am sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, and if you never want to talk to me again then that’s fine, but I’m sorry.” Dan lifted his gaze to meet Phil’s, considering his apology for a moment before replying.   
  
“Why, Phil?” he asked quietly. “Why did you pretend you didn’t know me?”   
  
“I knew you wouldn’t talk to me if I approached you in person,” Phil explained, eyes drifting to the ceiling in embarrassment. “I thought if you could just get to know me first then you’d feel less anxious talking to me in person.”   
  
“Yeah, and that’s fine and everything, but didn’t you think for a moment about what would happen when you _did_ tell me?”   
  
“No, I guess not.” Phil warily took the seat opposite sensing a shift in the atmosphere. Plus, there were things he didn’t understand, and he needed an answer. “Why did you pretend to be someone you _weren't_ ?”   
  
Dan sighed, his expression softening as he thought carefully about how to articulate his insecurities without sounding pathetic. Despite his anger, he realised that he was just as much a liar as Phil, if not more - it's not like Phil _had_ lied, only left out the truth, whereas Dan had outright deceived him. 

Dan tried to breathe slowly and deeply, just as he had been taught, releasing all of his anger and tension. Reasoning that they were really just as bad as each other, and that he didn't want to leave their new-found friendship to disintegrate into nothing, Dan’s anger faded. He enjoyed Phil’s conversation; he thought he was cool (therefore slightly intimidating), but also gentle, soft and wholesome - the most wholesome punk Dan had ever come across.

"I-I don’t know. I guess the real Dan is kinda lame,” he muttered, staring down at his books. Phil watched helplessly as Dan’s arms wrapped around his slender body, pulling his jacket over his chest. 

Phil noted the soft t-shirt beneath - white with a Japanese cherry blossom appliqué across the front. It looked so perfect on Dan, with his light blue denim jacket and pale pink jeans. Phil couldn't understand for one moment how such an incredibly beautiful human could think so little of themselves, and he felt a twinge of sadness and longing. He wanted to take Dan and show him just how wonderful he was; both inside and out. Phil had fallen head over heels for Dan from the moment he’d laid eyes on him.

It had been his first shift at Manchester University Library. He'd stumbled across the job purely by chance on his Facebook news feed when a friend had commented on the advertisement. After a long few months of applying for editing jobs with no luck, Phil knew he had to find something temporary to pay the bills.   
  
Honestly, he'd been dreading it. Serving coffee to stressed university students at all hours of the day and night? No thanks. But after a short instructional video and ‘tour’ of the small, newly furnished kitchen, Phil was sent out to wait on tables. The general rule was that they were only to approach someone once at their table in case they wanted to be left alone. 

Phil had tried - he really had, but on his first shift, after spotting Dan in the corner, quietly poised with his pen to his mouth, he couldn't resist visiting his table more than once. His hair, a soft, adorable, wavy brown, fell over his eyes, and at the time, he'd been wearing a flower crown with pink and blue flowers and pale green leaves. His eyes themselves were a dark, entrancing brown that peered back up at Phil with curiosity, stunning him into silence. From day one, Phil hadn't stood a chance.

" _I_ don’t think that the real Dan is lame,” Phil answered slowly, watching Dan’s reaction carefully before continuing. “I knew the real Dan _before_ I first messaged you. I wanted to get to know _him._ ”  
  
"How did you even know my URL anyway?”  
  
Dan asked, reluctant to allow himself to feel the swirling butterflies in his stomach.  
  
“I saw it over your shoulder,” Phil told him ashamedly. “I didn’t know how to approach you...I get that it was creepy and I'm sorry.”  
  
“I know.”

Something was still bothering Phil though; something he couldn’t quite work out himself, and though he knew he was probably just building his hopes up only to be fiercely crushed, he couldn’t help but ask. “What made you come back?”

The question seemed to take Dan by surprise, his face suddenly reddening as he stuttered out his (clearly untrue) excuse. “Uh, well...you know...studying at my flat is hard. There’s these guys...outside...they’re doing building work? Yeah, really loud. Can’t concentrate.” He watched as Phil smiled knowingly, which only made him blush all the more.

“Dan, I was wondering...if I haven’t completely blown this...do you want to get dinner some time?” Phil ventured, his heart flipping over in his chest.  
  
“I don’t really like going out in crowds…” Dan answered honestly.   
  
“Well, how about you come over to mine and I make you something. We could watch a film or something, just casual. How about Wall-E? Do you like Disney movies? I’ve had Wall-E sitting in it’s plastic for about a month now and I think he’s starting to feel a bit neglected.” 

Dan laughed, finally allowing himself to relax; to trust Phil, and let him peak over the walls he'd built so high to protect himself. Phil was truly one of a kind, and Dan admired the unapologetic weirdness that emanated from him. 

“I guess I could come and keep you and Wall-E company one evening,” he smirked. This guy was truly adorable, he thought, silently cursing himself for letting his guard down.  
  
“How’s Friday?”  
  
“What day is it today...Tuesday?.”  
  
“Wednesday,” Phil laughed. “I’m sure it’s Wednesday.”  
  
“Yeah, I can do Friday.”

Phil grinned. “When I said I’d make you something, I guess I meant I’d order something...you know, to avoid poisoning us and stuff…”  
  
“That’s okay,” Dan smiled, yawning.   
  
“Let me walk you out,” Phil said, beginning to pick up Dan’s bag from the floor and gesturing in the direction of the door. “You're exhausted, and trust me, there's no point studying when you're tired.”  
  
“Sure,” Dan smiled back sleepily. “Thanks, Phil.”

 


	12. Chapter 6.5

_ Wednesday  _

_Phil [to Dan] (11.52pm): I'm really glad you came back to the library_

_Phil (11.52pm): I was starting to worry :/_

_Dan (11.52pm): yeah the building work outside my flat was really loud_

_Phil (11.54pm): Oh, I'm sure_

_Dan (11.55pm): what's that supposed to mean?_

_Phil (11.55pm): That you totally couldn't keep away from me any longer? ;)_

_Dan (11.55pm): yeah_

_Dan (11.55pm): and that_

_Phil (11.56pm): I was only kidding!_

_Dan (11.56pm): you weren't and you know it!_

_Phil (11.57pm): Okay you got me. Sorry haha_

_Dan (11.57pm): don’t be, I don't mind admitting to admiring a good looking guy when I see one_

_Dan (11.58pm): and I’ve stopped trying to deny myself things I like ;)_

_Phil (11.58pm): Are you FLIRTING with me...wait, what’s your last name, I’ve just realised I don’t know…. (Mine’s Lester)_

_Dan (11.58pm): stalker strikes again XD it’s howell_

_Phil (11.58pm): Are you FLIRTING WITH ME HOWELL?_

_Dan (11.58pm): what you going to do about it? XD_

_Phil (11.59pm): Fight you?_

_Dan (12.00am): you don't scare me lester. i know you're soft and wholesome on the inside even if you do look like a scary punk man_

_Phil (12.01am): Scary punk man?! Haha_

_Dan (12.01am): does it bother you that i’m not who you thought i was?_

_Dan (12.01pm): like my blog? it being a persona?_

_Phil (12.01am): I knew who you were._

_Phil (12.02am): It bothers me more that you felt like you had to lie to me_

_Dan (12.02am): i just didn’t think you’d like me if you knew i was so… me_  
  
_Phil (12.02am): Why do you think I asked you if you wanted coffee so much? We’re only meant to ask once lol_

_Dan (12.03am): really? i swear you would ask me like 3 times a shift_  
  
_Phil (12.03am): Smooth, am I right?_  
  
_Dan (12.04am): oh yeah, real smooth stalker_  
  
_Phil (12.04am): I’m not a stalker! I prefer to call myself an admirer :3_

_Dan (12.04am): whatever XD i have to go now. i have a lecture at 9am. like who the fuck schedules this shit for 9am?_  
  
_Phil (12.05am): Omg one time I skipped a seminar just because I didn’t want to get out of bed._  
  
_Dan (12.05am): hahahaha omfg you rebel_

_Dan (12.05am): i’ve missed 3 already this SEMESTER bitch. come at me_  
  
_Phil (12.05am): Then you need to get some sleep and get your butt to your lecture tomorrow then, you heathen. I’m at work at 2, I’ll bring you a cappuccino if you go._  
  
_Dan (12.05am): damnnnn okay, night phil_  
  
_Phil (12.06am): Night Dan :)_

_—_

_ Thursday  _

_Dan (8.15am): phillll i’m awake_

_Phil (8.17am): And now apparently so am I_

_Dan (8.17am): omg i’m so sorry!_

_Phil (8.18am): Don’t worry about it hahaha, just get yourself to that lecture!_  
  
_Dan (8.18am): yes dad_  
  
_Phil (8.19am): Omfg I’m going back to sleep you spork_  
  
_Dan (8.20am): phil nooo i just wanted to say good morning you ungrateful ass_  
  
_Phil (8.20am): Good morning Dan :)_  
  
_Dan (8.21am): that feels passive aggressive_  
  
_Phil (8.22am): A little :P_  
  
_Dan (8.22am): shh you were begging for a date with me yesterday_  
  
_Phil (8.22am): Shut up! I don’t beg!_  
  
_Dan (8.23am): oh is that right? ;)_  
  
_Phil (8.23am): You’re such a kinky little shit. You totally missed me._  
  
_Phil (8.23am): You’ll be the one begging me when I stop replying :P_

_Dan (8.23am): maybe. i’ve got to get dressed. aaron wants to walk with me_  
  
_Phil (8.24am): wHOS AARON?? Are you already cheating on me?!_  
  
_Dan (8.24am): yeah i’m totally cheating on you with my straight flatmate lmao_

_Dan (8.24am): see you later_

_Phil (8.24am): See you later!_

_…_

_Dan (9.10am): philll. i’m already bored_

_Phil (9.11am): Are you in your lecture right now?_  
  
_Dan (9.11am): would that be a good thing or a bad thing_

_Phil (9.11am): Better if you were paying attention!_

_Phil (9.12am): Put your phone down and take some notes Daniel Howell!_

_Dan (9.12am): yes mum_  
  
_Phil (9.12am): I was your Dad earlier. I can only be one XD_  
  
_Dan (9.12am): not THAT KIND of dad omfg_  
  
_Phil (9.12am): Hahahaha_

_Dan (9.13am): and anyway we’ve already covered this shit_  
  
_Phil (9.13am): What are you doing?_  
  
_Dan (9.13am): strengths and limitations of improve_  
  
_Phil (9.14am): Well it can never hurt to go over stuff :P_  
  
_Dan (9.14am): whatever. they’ll upload it to the student portal later_  
  
_Dan (9.14am): i don’t see why we have to take notes when they upload the notes later themselves tbh_

_Phil (9.14am): Not the point!_  
  
_Dan (9.15am): you’re the one replying lol_  
  
_Phil (9.15am): Well maybe I won’t then!_  
  
_Dan (9.16am): you can’t help yourself don’t lie_  
  
_Phil (9.16am): Can too!_  
  
_Dan (9.17am): go on then. punish me dad_  
  
_Phil (9.22am): SEE_  
  
_Dan (9.22am): wow 5 minutes_

_Phil (9.22am): Whatever XD_  
  
_Dan (9.23am): i should probably like at least pretend to take notes. talk later?_  
  
_Phil (9.23am): Of course x_  
  
_Dan (9.24am): :D_

_…_

_Dan (10.32pm): ty for walking me home again_  
  
_Phil (10.32pm): Anytime :) But you should probably start heading home sooner if you’re going to keep falling asleep in the library!_  
  
_Dan (10.33pm): i wasn’t sleeping!_  
  
_Phil (10.34pm): So were you like, sniffing your books or something then?!_  
  
_Dan (10.34pm): yeah. don’t kinkshame_

_Phil (10.42pm): Whatever XD I’m back in at 7am which really shouldn’t be allowed tbh. James took a holiday and I’m desperate for money lol. So I’m going to have to try and get some sleep._

_Phil (10.42pm): You’re not going to stand me up tomorrow, are you?_  
  
_Dan (10.42pm): no way! 7pm right?_  
  
_Phil (10.43pm): Yeah, don’t be late ;)_  
  
_Dan (10.43pm): i won’t, i promise_  
  
_Phil (10.44pm): Night x_  
  
_Dan (10.44pm): sweet dreams :3_

_—-_

_ Friday  _

_Dan (6.52pm): i think i’m lost_  
  
_Phil (6.52pm): Omfg Dan. What can you see?_  
  
_Dan (6.52pm): a water fountain and 6 blocks of flats but i can’t see any signs so i don’t know which is yours_

_Phil (6.53pm): Look up, I’m on my balcony_  
  
_Phil (6.53pm): No, other way. Turn around_

_Dan (6.53pm): omg I SEE YOU_  
  
_Phil (6.54pm): What are you holding?_  
  
_Dan (6.54pm): i brought something for you! it’s kind of cheesy but it’s supposed to be cheesy_  
  
_Phil (6.55pm): Where are you????_  
  
_Dan (6.55pm): ughhh i’m walking up 20 billion flights of stairs_

_Phil (6.55pm): Why didn’t you just get the lift?!_  
  
_Dan (6.56pm): there’s a lift?!_  
  
_Phil (6.56pm): Omg Dan haha. Hurry up, you’re almost late!_  
  
_Dan (6.56pm): shut up rat, i’m here_


	13. Chapter 7

Immediately following Dan’s message, Phil’s front door swung open before Dan had even had a chance to knock. What awaited him stunned him into silence. Phil looked handsome...no, sexy. 

He was dressed in black ripped jeans and a long sleeved black shirt with black velvet flower appliqué across the shoulders, sleeves rolled up to reveal his arm of intricate tattoos. His makeup was beautifully applied and Dan couldn’t help but stare. Phil’s eyelids were carefully painted with black eyeshadow, darkest just above his lashes, eventually tapering off into a soft grey. His eyeliner was striking but subtle, lining his upper and lower lids beneath his long eyelashes which had clearly been enhanced with mascara. His lipstick was jet black with small flecks of glitter, which Dan absolutely adored. 

“You look incredible,” Dan gasped before lowering his eyes to the floor in embarrassment. “Sorry, I’m not staring. You just look so amazing.”

Phil smiled, his cheeks pinkening. “You don’t look so bad yourself,” he replied, taking in all of Dan greedily, and completely  _ not _ subtly. “Actually, you look beautiful.”

It was Dan’s turn to blush. He had spent 2 hours deciding what to wear, eventually settling on a pink sweatshirt which was pale at the neck and gradually darkened towards the waist, with a pair of pale blue, ripped dungarees that ended mid-shin. His makeup had taken even longer. Despite having been applying it for years, he’d consulted his style icon, Dodie Clark on YouTube for a tutorial on contouring. The eyeshadow had been easy; Dan had stuck with his favourite colour; a soft pink palette he’d bought on a whim from Urban Decay. In addition to the contouring, Dan had added a subtle streak of silver glitter down his cheekbones which reflected in the light of Phil’s hallway.

“I didn’t know what to wear. Am I underdressed?” Dan asked worriedly. He’d wanted to show that he’d made an effort but didn’t want to appear too formal knowing that the plan was a movie night; the last thing he wanted was to be uncomfortable. 

“No...definitely not,” Phil answered quietly, “I love your makeup. And your tattoo looks so pretty with that sweatshirt, it compliments the roses so beautifully.” Dan shifted from one foot to the other not knowing what to do next. He had been so caught up in his awe of the man standing before him that he’d completely forgotten about the pink and lavender roses he’d been holding. 

“For you, Phil,” Dan said, holding the small bouquet out in front of him. “Uhh, pink roses mean admiration...and lavender ones mean-,”

“Love at first sight,” Phil finished, meeting Dan’s gentle gaze, “I love plants; gardening is a passion of mine, though I tend to kill most things by accident. I’m still learning!” He took the flowers from Dan and moved aside to let him into the flat. “Thank you, they’re beautiful.” Phil led Dan into an open plan kitchen-living room and told him to make himself at home whilst he searched for a vase. Dan took in his surroundings curiously. Phil was clearly a very tidy person, unlike his ex, Jace, whose bedroom had been filthy enough to put anyone off from spending any amount of time in it. Phil’s lounge was small but cosy, one sofa in the middle with a giant beanbag to the side of it. There was a green rug on the floor, and a fair sized TV screen in front of the balcony doors, displaying the menu screen for Wall-E.

“What kind of takeaway would you like?” Phil asked, returning from the kitchen cupboards having found an elegant blue glass vase for his flowers. 

“I don’t mind,” Dan replied nervously, feeling suddenly anxious to be on an actual  _ date  _ with a man as beautiful as the one before him. He suddenly realised how very much he liked Phil, in  _ that  _ way.

“Okay, you said you liked pizza. How about that?” 

“Sure,” Dan replied, flattered that Phil had remembered a conversation they’d had almost 3 weeks ago. 

Whilst waiting for their food to arrive, Dan and Phil decided to play video games so that they could save their movie for whilst they were eating. As it turned out, Dan was fiercely competitive; so much so that Phil had secretly allowed him to overtake several times on Mario Kart just to see his adorable dimples as his face lit up. 

It took an hour for their food to arrive, and by 8pm they were ravenous. “Was that the door?” Phil asked as a quiet knock sounded through the apartment. 

“I think so. Should I get it?” Dan asked as he waited for Phil to complete the race which he’d finished a minute or so ago. He had a feeling that Phil was letting him win, but it only made him fall for him harder. 

“I’ll get it, don’t worry,” Phil replied, reaching into his pocket for his money and making his way through to the hallway.

When Phil returned with 3 boxes piled one above the other and a bottle of coke balanced precariously under his chin, Dan asked how much it had come to so that he could at least pay half.

“Not telling,” Phil smirked. “I knew you’d ask so I paid through the app.”

“Sneaky little shit,” Dan muttered. “But thank you, I appreciate it.” 

Phil set out the pizzas on the coffee table and poured two large glasses of coke before disappearing into the kitchen. When he came back, he was holding two white cardboard boxes.

“Crepes,” he explained, placing them down next to the pizzas. “There’s a bakery around the corner that sells the most amazing desserts and I got these on my way back from work earlier. This one is called ‘It’s always a gaytime.’”

“I am 100% here for that...and oh my god, it looks amazing!” Dan marvelled as Phil opened the box to show him. “Thank you!”

“So are you up for watching a cheesy Disney romance, then?”

“Hell yes,” Dan grinned, already stuffing a slice of BBQ chicken pizza into his mouth.

After finishing as much of their food as they could, Phil had retrieved some blankets and the two had curled up on the sofa beside each other, only just touching. Halfway through the film, Dan heard a sniffle, which he soon realised had come from the 6ft3 punk sat to his left. 

Spotting his opportunity, Dan gently placed his hand on top of Phil’s and curled his fingers around his palm. Phil turned to look at Dan, his bright blue eyes sparkling with tears. He smiled, turning his hand so that he could grasp Dan’s tightly. Dan’s heart was beating rapidly in his chest; he almost wanted to say something, but the moment was so soft and pure that he just tilted his head and brought it to rest on Phil’s shoulder as they wordlessly continued to watch the film. 

By the end credits, Dan was lying with his body across Phil’s chest, Phil’s arm wrapped around him, playing delicately with his curls.

“Dan?” Phil asked softly, unsure whether or not he was still awake. Dan let out a tiny whimper, and Phil looked down to see that the gentle boy laying across him had tears streaming down his face, trickling right the way past his rose painted collarbones.

“It’s just so sad,” Dan whispered. “Two beings created to feel nothing; to serve humanity and live by the standards set by society, falling in love despite their differences...and- they’re just destined for heartbreak, never to be accepted for who they are. They’ll never be appreciated for their individuality,” he began, before sighing and looking up at Phil who was listening to him quietly. 

“You’re seeing it from an entirely negative perspective. You’re not seeing the whole picture. They fell in love, and sure, it wasn’t within the normal parameters of their existence, but they did it anyway. They didn’t care what anyone else thought, and they’re  _ happy  _ together. It doesn’t matter if society chooses to accept them or not because they’ll love each other regardless.”

Dan pushed himself into a sitting position, blinking his tears away and turning to face Phil. His heart leapt and a bunch of butterflies swirled through his stomach with fear and excitement. Glancing down at Phil’s mouth, he began to lean in slowly, awaiting Phil’s reaction nervously as the adrenaline coursing through him became almost too intense to stand.

Phil brought his hand up to Dan’s cheek, tracing the glitter down his face ever so carefully as he too closed the gap between them. 

As their lips collided, Dan gasped gently, noticing the softness of Phil’s painted lips. “I’m going to have black lips too,” he murmured, returning to the kiss with as much gentleness as he could muster, when all he wanted to do was push Phil back and climb on top of him. 

“Is that a bad thing?” Phil replied in a deep whisper. Dan moaned enticingly into Phil’s mouth as he summoned all of his willpower to pull away for just a moment, gazing deeply into the beautiful blue eyes staring back. 

“Hell no,” he confidently answered, his lips crashing back against Phil’s, hands reaching into his hair, tugging and pulling until Phil wrapped his arms around Dan and pulled him closer.

 


	14. Chapter 8

“Dan-Dan, slow down,” Phil breathed, feeling the heat rise through his body. “Are you okay? Is this too fast?”

Dan shifted slightly, pulling his face away from Phil’s until they were inches apart, looking longingly into each other’s eyes. “Nuh-uh,” he whispered, his fingers slowly tracing along Phil’s smudged lips, studying each dip and crevice of his features, committing them to memory for later. He grazed his other hand cautiously across Phil’s thigh, slowly creeping toward the growing bulge at his crotch. “Is this?”

Phil shook his head adamantly, bringing his hand down to rest on top of Dan’s. “No, it’s not.” He took a deep breath, trembling slightly with excitement and fear. Dan noticed his nervousness and squeezed Phil’s hand tightly in reassurance. He was probably just as scared himself, if not more, but he was doing all he could to convince Phil that he knew exactly what he was doing; that he wasn’t in fact a virgin. 

Phil slipped his hands beneath Dan’s shirt and played lightly with his nipples. He had a thing for his nipples, therefore this elicited a pleasured gasp from Dan who was now firmly palming Phil through his jeans. Phil moaned, bringing his lips back to Dan’s passionately. He brought his own hand down to Dan’s hardening dick, and though Dan felt like each of his nerves were sparked with electricity; his heart fluttering with anticipation, he panicked. 

His body was responding fiercely; almost  _ too quickly.  _ Being younger than Phil, and most likely much less experienced, Dan was certain that he wouldn’t be able to hold out much longer without coming right there and then. “Phil...Phil, I can’t- I’ve never done this...with anyone…I can’t. I can’t do this, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he babbled almost incoherently. 

“It’s okay,” Phil replied softly, comfortingly, taking both of Dan’s hands in his own. “You don’t have to be ready, I’d wait a lifetime for you, Dan.”

“You won’t have to,” Dan replied, his voice shaking with emotion. “I really like you, Phil.”

Phil beamed, his eyes lighting up, radiating warmth and love. He took a deep breath in a futile attempt to calm his nerves before asking, “Do you want to...like...you and me? Be a thing?”

“A  _ thing, _ ” Dan repeating, laughing partly due to his own nervousness, but also because the man before him was absolutely adorable.

“Boyfriends?” Phil giggled under his breath, “Doesn’t that sound cringey though?” 

Dan smirked, nodding. “A little bit…”

“So?”

“Do I have to answer that?” Dan breathed, leaning toward Phil once more, bringing Phil’s hand to his lips, kissing it tenderly.

“Tell me,” Phil replied quietly, his voice low. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“I’m thinking I’d be honoured to call you my boyfriend.”

Phil let out the breath he’d been holding in. “Thank God. My Mum’s been nagging me about my love life for months and she’s texted me every single day this week for updates,” Phil joked, rolling his eyes as though to say  _ ‘Mum’s, eh?’  _

Dan laughed along, but the butterflies in his stomach made a fierce return at the reminder that his own parents didn’t even know it wasn’t going to be a girl he one day would marry. They’d walked in on him once when he’d been making out with his then boyfriend, but he’d furiously denied he was gay. He’d told them he’d simply been experimenting; not to worry, and his parents had naively believed him. Dan felt sick as he thought about just what they’d say if he backtracked and told them the truth.

Pushing this thought from his mind, Dan pecked Phil on the cheek. Phil shuffled slightly and grimaced. “I kind of need to uh...go to the bathroom though?” Dan followed Phil’s eyes down to his crotch, where his jeans were still bulging and it was then that he realised he was going to have to do something about his own problem too. It wasn’t like he could just  _ leave  _ it. It wasn’t going to go away…   
  
“Oh...oh God, yeah, sorry,” Dan mumbled, his cheeks turning bright red. He felt truly awful having worked Phil up into this state before abruptly letting him down. Feeling useless - inadequate, he continued to mutter his apologies until Phil placed a finger on his lips.   
  
“Shush. Stop it, you’re overthinking. Really Dan, it’s okay!” he told him encouragingly. At that very moment, the room lit up a brilliant bright white followed by a thunderous echo that reverberated through the entire apartment. 

_ CRASH…  _ Dan flinched, his body turning to stone. Despite being a 6ft2 grown adult, he was  _ terrified  _ of thunderstorms. He was afraid of trees; he knew it was one of those irrational fears, and he couldn’t even put his finger on exactly why he found them so scary, but trees...trees in the  _ dark  _ especially… _ trees in thunderstorms even more so.  _

“Are you okay?” Phil asked, his grip around Dan’s hand tightening. Dan couldn’t reply, for at that moment, another thunderclap sounded throughout the room. “You don’t like thunderstorms…” Phil muttered to himself, suddenly remembering Dan saying so. “Dan, it’s 11pm, I’m not going to make you walk home in this. I’m not going to  _ let  _ you walk home in this. You can sleep in my bed and I’ll take the floor.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Dan whispered.

“I’m not going to let you sleep on the floor,” Phil told him, rolling his eyes at the sleepy boy before him. 

“Can’t we both sleep in your bed?” Dan asked. “You know, completely innocently…”

“I-I didn’t know if you’d want to or not, but of course!” Phil stuttered, shocked that the same Daniel Howell who had hated him for two whole weeks was the very same who now wanted to sleep beside him. “But you  _ really  _ need to let me go use the bathroom,” he laughed, standing up and disappearing down the hall.    
  
Dan took a deep breath, trying his very best to ignore the thoughts about whatever Phil was doing in the next room. He doubted he was actually going to get himself off, but he couldn’t be sure, and the thought was only turning him on even more.  _ Calm down!  _ Dan told himself firmly, pressing down on his crotch which only served to worsen the situation. Groaning, he grabbed a pillow and stuffed it on top of his lap, hiding the raging boner under his dungarees. 

Another rumbling of thunder rang out through the apartment and Dan curled into a ball in fear. He could see the lightning bolts striking the city through the glass doors to the balcony and it only scared him more. He suddenly found himself wishing that Phil would just hurry up and come save him from the storm, but the clock ticked by and he heard the shower turn on. Squeezing his eyes shut, Dan covered his face with the pillow that had been over his lap and tried to picture something happier, like corgis and shiba inus and kittens, and haribo tangfastics. It was then that Dan noticed his phobia of thunderstorms was ironically helping him out; it was a bit of a struggle to feel turned on when his whole body was reacting with a fight or flight response.   
  
By the time Phil appeared again, Dan was cowering under a blanket with only his foot peeking out of the bottom. 

“Dan? Hey, Dan...it’s okay,” he soothed, rushing over and running his hands down Dan’s back. “You need to poke your head out and look at my pyjamas. I’m wearing Thor...because Thor controls the thunderstorms? And he wouldn’t hurt you because he’s cool like that.” The blanket shook as Dan laughed at Phil’s adorableness and he looked out to see that Phil was indeed wearing red Thor nightwear.    
“You’re such a dork,” Dan grinned, slowly uncovering himself and allowing Phil to pull him up from the sofa, leading him through to the bathroom. He handed his guest a clean face cloth and brand new toothbrush, explaining that he kept them specifically in case he had family or friends over. “Let me just go and find you something comfier to change into.”

When Phil returned, he presented Dan with a black band t-shirt and a pair of sonic boxers. “I know they’re not very...you, but I’d still think you were adorable even if you were wearing a bin bag,” Phil smirked. Dan laughed, playfully shoving Phil in the shoulder. “Just leave your clothes on the floor and I’ll put them through the wash for you.” 

Dan began to undress as soon as Phil had disappeared to his bedroom, kicking his clothes into the corner and padding down the hall. 

“Phil?” Dan called out. “I don’t know which is your room!” The wind howled through the air vents and Dan let out a tiny squeal. Phil immediately rushed out of a room at the end of the hall and hugged him close. 

“You don’t have to be brave, I’m here,” Phil reassured, and Dan relaxed into the safety of Phil’s embrace. 

The pair climbed under the blue covers, and though shy at first, it took only moments for Phil to offer himself as the big spoon. They lay in silence for a short while, and Phil assumed that Dan had simply fallen asleep again until he heard his name called out ever so quietly.

“Yeah?” 

“Would it...would it bother you if my parents...didn’t know I was gay?” Dan asked gingerly, terrified that the most beautiful evening was about to crumble right before his very eyes.

Phil let out a deep breath, pulling Dan closer and nuzzling his face into Dan’s neck. “No, not one bit,” he replied. “But it’ll be hard to keep it from them, don’t you think?”

“I’ve wanted to tell them in forever,” Dan explained. “But I’ve never found the courage. They caught me with my ex-boyfriend, but I convinced them it was a phase. I was ashamed.”

“ _ I  _ don’t mind, but you shouldn’t have to hide who you truly are,” Phil sighed, delicately running his fingers through Dan’s hair. He nuzzled into Dan’s neck, kissing him softly. “You have nothing to be ashamed of.”

Dan let out a deep breath and searched for Phil’s hand beneath the covers. “I’m not ashamed anymore. I want this more than anything.” 

“Get some sleep, I’ll be right here,” Phil murmured. “You’re exhausted.”

“Night, boyfriend,” Dan smiled, turning to peck Phil on the lips.

“Goodnight.”

 


	15. Chapter 8.5

_ Aaron [to Dan] (11.42pm): hey you haven’t come back yet, are you okay?  _

_ —- _

As soon as Phil heard Dan’s breathing slow into a steady rhythm, he rolled over and took his phone from his bedside table. It’d been buzzing with messages for the past half an hour, but Phil hadn’t wanted to move for fear of waking Dan. 

When he finally checked his messages, he saw that it was only just the pizza delivery company texting to ask him to leave a review. He figured he’d do that later.

Glancing at Dan, Phil had an idea. He opened up his camera and aimed it at the adorable brown haired man snuggled under his duvet. Gently placing one of his bears beside Dan’s face, Phil giggled and snapped a picture. 

_P hil [to Dan] (12.03am): you’re so cute when you’re asleep :3 x_

[ _https://goo.gl/images/9HKwWh]_

—-

Saturday

_ Kath [to Phil] (8.55am): Was it last night that you saw the boy you were telling me about? Xx _

_ Phil (8.55am): He’s called Dan :) and yeah xx _

_ Kath (8.56am): aaaaand?? Xx _

_ Phil (8.56am): and he’s very nice :) xx _

_ Kath (8.56am): Is that all you’re going to tell me?! _

_ Phil (8.57am): You’re so nosey!! We watched Wall-E at my flat and had pizza. He was wearing the cutest blue dungarees and he gave me pink and lilac roses. I really like him. Is that enough detail?! _

_ Kath (8.57am): Did you kiss?! Xx _

_ Phil (8.57am): MUMMM _

_ Phil (8.57am): maybe just a little :3 xx _

_ Kath (8.58am): :O Philly’s got a boyyyyfriend!!! Xx _

_ Phil (8.58am): I’ll block you :P xx _

_ Kath (8.59am): But you didn’t deny it xx _

_ Phil (9.00am): I have to go, talk later :) xx _

_ —- _

_ Dan [to Aaron] (9.00am): yh I’ll be back soon  _

_ —- _

_ Dan [to Phil] (9.00am): creep XD where are you? i’m cold xx _

_ Phil (9.01am): Making breakfast. Do you like waffles? Xx _

_ Dan (9.01am): breakfast :O yesss xx _

_ Phil (9.02am): Nutella, honey or syrup? Xx _

_ Dan (9.02am): nutella :3 xx _

_ Phil (9.02am): Okay, I’ll be there when they’re done :) xx _

_ Dan (9.03am): ty ly bb xx _

 


	16. Chapter 9

10 minutes later, Phil appeared in the doorway with a tray filled with golden waffles and a jar of nutella. He’d also made two hot chocolates topped with cream and mini marshmallows, which he set on the bedside table so that he didn’t spill them over his recently washed duvet cover. He wasn’t all too good at keeping up with housework, so the last thing he needed was to give himself extra work.

“I’m going to stay here more often if this is the kind of treatment I get,” Dan grinned, accepting the plate offered to him. “At home, I usually just eat a bowl of Crunchy Nut or something.”

“You can come over anytime,” Phil replied, “but don’t be expecting the breakfast of kings every day! I usually just have Frosties but I figured I’d make an effort and try to at least _pretend_ I’ve got my life together.” Dan laughed, thanking Phil and kissing him on the cheek. He couldn’t help but notice how Phil’s hair stuck up a little at the back where he’d slept on it and he reached up to flatten it down.

“You should see yours!” Phil exclaimed, climbing into bed beside Dan who was now stuffing his face with chocolatey goodness. “Your hair reminds me of a hobbit.”  He picked up his own waffle and began to smear it with a thick layer of chocolate spread.

Dan covered his mouth in mock offense, his eyes widening in horror. “How _dare_ you talk to your boyfriend like that!” he cried. “And on our first official day together as well!” 

Phil giggled, scrunching his eyes up as his tongue poked out the side of his mouth. “We’re disgusting,” he mused, entwining his hand with Dan’s.   
  
“Definitely,” Dan agreed, as he snuggled into Phil’s side where he remained until they had finished their breakfast entirely.   
  
Once they’d finished eating, Phil took the tray back through to the kitchen before returning to bed to lie with Dan. As they lay back against the pillows, quietly enjoying each other’s company sleepily, Phil ran his fingers through Dan’s soft curls; something he knew he would never tire of.   
  
“Dan?”  
  
“Uh-huh?” Dan replied softly, turning his head to look up at Phil who was sat slightly higher with his arm around Dan. His ear was pressed against Phil’s chest, and if he listened carefully, he could hear the _thump-thump thump-thump_ of his heartbeat. Dan reached up and traced his fingers across the intricately detailed tattoos on Phil’s arm. He thought to himself about just how long it must have taken to finish all of the inked designs across his boyfriend’s body. It must have been hours, but they looked so natural on him; they were amazing, and Dan loved every single one of them, even the squiggly little moon on his ankle.  
  
“Don’t take this the wrong way… I’m not saying you should _do_ it, but why are you so afraid to tell your parents you’re gay?” Phil watched as Dan took a sharp intake of breath and frowned. “I don’t mind, I promise, I just want to understand...so that I can be there for you,” he continued, spotting Dan’s discomfort and anxiety.

“It’s embarrassing, oh my god… though, it’s kinda funny I guess. I was telling my flatmate the story a while back, actually,” Dan explained with a small laugh, thinking back to the night in the kitchen with Aaron. “My parents walked in on me...naked...with my boyfriend. We weren’t actually having sex or anything, but you know...that’s probably where it was going. Anyway, my Dad was furious. After forcing this poor guy out of our house half dressed, he ordered me into the kitchen, and he told me…” Dan hesitated, shaking his head slightly, and Phil’s grip tightened around him protectively. “He said that if he ever found out I was, and I quote, ‘fucking boys’ then I’d never be welcome in his home again.”  
  
“And your Mum?”   
  
“Just stood there. I told them it was a phase; that I didn’t really feel anything for the boy they’d caught me with, and that they needn’t worry, because I was entirely straight.”   
“They believed you?”

“I don’t think so,” Dan sniffed, his eyes filling with tears. “And I try to convince myself that I feel nothing; that I don’t care, but I do.”  
  
Phil rubbed Dan’s shoulder comfortingly. “I’m so sorry. I wish you hadn’t had to go through that. What they did to you...it isn’t right. Your feelings are valid, and ignoring them won’t make them go away. It’s _okay_ to care; it’s okay to feel let down, but don’t let it force you into being someone you’re not.”  
  
“I’m a coward,” Dan mumbled, “I shouldn’t have lied. I should have faced them and told them the truth.” He sighed, burying his head into Phil, who delicately lifted it back up until they were facing each other once more.

“You’re so brave,” he told Dan, bringing him in for a gentle kiss.  
  
“I’m scared of _thunderstorms_ !” Dan smiled weakly. “I need my punk boyfriend to chase away the storms with his manly Thor pyjamas! I’m not _that_ brave!”

“Yeah, but it worked, didn’t it?” Phil replied, trying to keep a serious face. He wanted to understand Dan’s insecurities; to support him and be there by his side during his toughest battles, and he’d only wanted to have more of an insight into Dan’s struggles, but he hadn’t expected such a heart-breaking story. Phil knew he was incredibly lucky to have such accepting parents, but he hadn’t thought for a moment that Dan’s would be so homophobic. 

“I think that had more to do with the guy _in_ them than the pyjamas themselves, but sure.”  
  
“And you’re sure you’re okay with this? Us? I don’t want to force you into this if you’re not comfortable with it,” Phil explained. “I’d be crushed, but I’d understand.”

“Phil, I’m not scared of my parents anymore,” Dan replied, raising his eyebrows and shoving his boyfriend playfully. “So shut up, you’re stuck with me. And anyway, I’m trying to live my truth.”  
  
“What does that mean?” Phil asked. He’d never heard of the phrase before, but the way Dan said it conveyed confidence and determination; like it was a positive thing - something to aspire to.

“I don’t know yet, but I’m excited to find out.”

 

 Dan and Phil spent the next hour curled up in bed talking about nothing in particular, bodies entwined, until Phil was forced to get dressed for work. He so badly longed to stay in his flat and laze around in his pyjamas with Dan all day, but he’d signed up for overtime and he needed the money for rent (and the new Pokemon switch game, but that wasn’t the point). Dan had whined and made Phil promise to come over to his table as much as he could without seeming suspicious when Dan went to study later in the day. They’d kissed, and then kissed again, and again as they waved each other off on the path outside the apartment block before walking in opposite directions, turning back to wave to each other for as long as they could like the smitten new couple that they were.   
  
When Dan arrived at his flat, he was met by Aaron who happened to be making a drink in the kitchen. “Tea? Coffee?” he asked as Dan tried to hurry past him inconspicuously. Dan stopped dead like a deer in headlights, caught red handed. “And where have _you_ been?” Aaron grinned.   
  
“Umm….nowhere?” Dan answered sheepishly. “Just, uh...out.”   
  
“Well, the kettle’s almost boiled and you look like you could do with a caffeine fix. As could I. Long night.”  
  
“Oh, how come?” Dan asked, eager to redirect the conversation away from himself.   
  
“Cain. He phoned me in tears last night. He told me some guy had threatened him, and said he’d kill him if he made a statement to the police about what happened the other week,” Aaron replied solemnly. His hands were shaking as he poured out two mugs of boiling water; he was clearly struggling with his brother’s situation, and Dan truly wanted to be there for him, but as always, his anxiety nagged away at him. He wanted to run; to hide himself away as usual and avoid all interactions. What if he messed up? What if he said the wrong thing?  
  
Despite everything urging him in the other direction, Dan stood his ground, accepted the coffee and asked Aaron if he wanted to talk about it.  
  
“Nah, I’m alright. I’ve got to head back to my room and phone Mum. Cain didn’t want me to tell her, but she needs to know. I still feel bad though.”   
“You’re doing the right thing,” Dan assured him, placing a hand on Aaron’s shoulder in an attempt to comfort him.   
  
As Dan walked back to his room, he considered this newfound confidence he felt inside and figured that this must be what it felt like to be in love. He couldn’t stop smiling as he heard his phone buzz, and he eagerly pulled it from his pocket to read the message. The thought of loving someone terrified him; it opened so much opportunity for heartbreak, but walking away now seemed inconceivable.   
  
_God, was he falling for Phil Lester._

  



	17. Chapter 9.5

__ Dan (11.12am): I JUST GOT BACK AND CHECKED MY EMAILS OMG  
__   
__ Dan (11.13am): IVE GOT THE LEAD IN THE NEXT DRAMA SOCIETY PRODUCTION  
__   
__ Phil (11.13am): I’m so proud of you! It’s because you’re obviously the bestest :D What show is it? xx  
__   
__ Dan (11.13am): hedwig! so i get to go crazy with my makeup! xx  
__   
__ Phil (11.14am): Omg that’s amazing!!!! I love Hedwig!!!! I’ve always wanted to see it...can I come see you??? xx  
_   
_ __ Dan (11.14am): you’d probably be disappointed lol xx

__ Phil (11.14am): Pleeeeeeeeeeease xx  
_   
_ __ Dan (11.15am): i’ve never had anyone i know in the audience since like my primary school pantomimes xx

__ Phil (11.15am): Does it scare you? xx  
__   
__ Dan (11.15am): a little but maybe i can make an exception  
_   
_ __ Phil (11.16am): :D xx

_ Phil (11.16am): Sorry that I had to kick you out so early. It’s my fault for picking up so many extra shifts this week x _

_ Dan (11.17am): that’s okay, you’ll just have to make it up to me some other time ;) x _

_ Phil (11.17am): Will you be at the library today? x _

_ Dan (11.18am): not really into voyeurism _

_ Phil (11.18am): You know what I mean :P xx _

_ Phil (11.18pm): STUDYING xx _

_ Dan (11.18am): lol. you’re stuck with me boyfriend ;) and yeah I will be. probably about 3 xx _

_ Phil (11.18am): Does that mean you’d be up for another date :) xx _

_ Dan (11.19am): obviously you turnip xx _

_ Phil (11.19am): I had a really good time last night :) xx _

_ Dan (11.20am): me too. even if I did cry like a baby at wall-e xx _

_ Phil (11.21am): It’s okay, I cried too! Next time we’re watching Buffy the Vampire xx _

_ Dan (11.21am): when will next time be :( xx _

_ Phil (11.21am): I’m off on Monday? xx _

_ Dan (11.21am): i have a lecture in the morning that i should probably go to and then i’ll be free xx _

_ Phil (11.21am): I have to go, but I’ll see you at 3 with a cappuccino, and I may or may not have been to the bakery on the way here to get you something :) xx _

_ Dan (11.22am): ty sugardaddy _

_ Phil (11.23am): I’m choosing not to acknowledge that XD xx _

_ Dan (11.24am): you just did bb  _

_ Phil (11.24am): Whatever Howell, I’ll see you later :3 xx _

  
  



	18. Chapter 10

_ One month later _

“One cappuccino for a Mr Howell?” Phil smiled, placing a mug of foamy coffee in front of his boyfriend dramatically. “And of course, a gay crepe.” He pulled his arm from behind his back to reveal a cardboard box filled no doubt with Dan’s favourite flavoured dessert.  
  
“Phil! I’ve told you about this! My teeth will rot and fall out if you carry on feeding me so much sugar!” Dan chided, “And you won’t want to be kissing  _ that _ , will you!”  
  
Phil rolled his eyes exaggeratedly, sighing and feigning hurt. “All I do is try to spoil you and look how you talk to me,” he protested. “If it makes you feel any better, I buy myself one most times I buy you one.” Dan gazed up at Phil from his table in the corner, grinning fondly at the barista in front of him. Phil bought treats for Dan most days, insisting that Dan needed to keep his energy up if he was going to study so obsessively. It was true that Dan spent most days in the library, but his flat really wasn’t the best environment for working in. Plus, this way, he could stare at Phil all day long.   
  
“Get lost,” Dan mumbled, shoving Phil playfully. “James will be here soon and you don’t want him to catch you flirting, do you?” He winked, and Phil pursed his lips, imitating a kiss as he turned to walk away. It was a good job the library was almost empty, Dan thought. 

It was almost 10pm, and as usual, Phil’s shift ended whenever James decided to make his appearance. Dan didn’t understand exactly why James insisted on taking the night shifts when he rarely actually made it in on time, but he wasn’t about to complain because it meant that Phil walked him home most days. Tonight, however, they were both heading back to Dan’s owing to the fact that Phil had the day off the following day and they’d be able to lounge around in bed all morning if they so desired.   
  
Dan looked down at his books in front of him. Milo was a distant memory now; his class were now working on a new production - a musical, and Dan was again cast as the main character. Phil had begged Dan to allow him to buy tickets for the show, and realising it wasn’t an argument he was about to win, Dan had let him. Nobody had come to see him perform since Primary school - not even his parents. After they’d moved away from his Grandma, who’d thoroughly supported his passion (despite acting classes clashing with church on Sundays), he’d performed only to strangers. 

The thought of his boyfriend watching him on stage made him anxious, but also proud. You never really grew out of the feeling of wanting to wave at your supporters in the crowd when you took to the stage; a fuzzy feeling of warmth that someone was out there egging you on.   
  
Memorising the script wasn’t easy, so Dan was copying it out over and over; he learned best by doing, and since he couldn’t exactly stand up in the library and recite the words to ‘Hedwig’. 

His theatre group had insisted upon covering the show, much to their professors confusion. Thankfully, their professor was open minded and believed in allowing the students to take the lead in their learning, so long as they covered the basic course content. 

Dan was incredibly nervous about performing in drag, but after a deep conversation with Phil, he’d decided to go for it. It wasn’t as though he’d never worn makeup before, and a lot of his wardrobe came from the women’s section anyway. His drama friends were encouraging, and they all knew he was gay - not that it was of course a requirement to be able to act in drag, but they were all non-judgemental to expression of sexuality. 

There were 23 members of their society, and of that, Elijah was bisexual, Antonio was non-binary, and Lilly was also gay, so there was already a decent amount of diversity. This was part of the reason that Dan felt so at home when he was with his group. As the year had gone on, he gained more and more confidence; speaking out more in the meetings, finally feeling accepted for who he was. 

The day following his first date with Phil, Antonio had messaged him to say he’d seen him kissing another boy, and Dan hadn’t denied it. Instead, it was the talk of their next meeting; everyone wanted to hear about Phil, and Dan indulged them, eager to talk to someone,  _ anyone,  _ about his boyfriend. Especially since he couldn’t go to his parents.    
  
“Dan, are you done?” Phil asked, wandering over as he pulled his jacket on. “James is here.” Dan looked up sleepily, the sugar from his crepe not yet having given him a sugar rush.   
  
“Uh...I guess so,” Dan replied, gathering his papers. Phil helped him pack them into his bag and they walked out of the library hand in hand. Dan loved that he was so far from home. Nobody knew the Dan he had been before, and he needn’t worry about any of what he did getting back to his parents.   
  
When they reached the steps outside, Phil linked his arm through Dan’s and they began to walk towards Dan’s flat. The air was cold and bitter, a mist forming in front of their mouths as they breathed. 

“I didn’t do much work today,” Dan sighed. “I feel like nothing went into my head.” He frowned, glancing at Phil who was listening thoughtfully.  
  
“Sing to me,” Phil grinned, watching Dan from the corner of his eye. “Sing something from Hedwig. It’s practise.”  
  
“What? No! People will hear!” Dan exclaimed, gesturing to the very empty streets before them. Phil raised his eyebrows.  
  
“Even more people will hear you when you sing it for real,” he argued. Dan had no retaliation, and decided to reluctantly oblige. He then remembered a certain song he just  _ had  _ to sing. It’d make Phil blush, and he wanted to watch Phil get flustered as he teased him.   
  
_ “I’ve got a sweet tooth,”  _ he began, grinning mischievously,  _ “for licorice drops and jelly roll…” _ He skipped ahead a couple of steps, thinking ‘fuck it’ and began to dance enticingly as he turned around to watch Phil’s reaction.  _ “Hey Sugar Daddy, Hansel needs some sugar in his bo-o-owl!” _ Despite the darkness of the winter night, the streetlights were just bright enough to make out Phil’s rosy cheeks as he giggled, embarrassment and amusement painted over his face.   
  
__ “Daaaaaan!”  
  
“Thought you wanted me to sing?” he smiled slyly before continuing. Phil pulled him back beside him and told him to shush, but it was only half-hearted, and Dan continued despite his boyfriend’s protestations.   
  
__ “I’ll lay out fine china on the linen, and polish up the chro-o-o-me. If you’ve got some sugar for me, sugar daddy bring it hooooomeee!”  
__  
By the time they reached Dan’s flat, he’d quietened his voice, but he was on his third time through, satisfying the earworm that had now embedded itself in his brain of the song. Phil’s hand was entwined with his, and his boyfriend, was enjoying listening to Dan’s low, seductive singing voice.   
  
__ “So you think only a woman...can truly love a ma-a-an, well you buy me a dress...I’ll be more woman than a man like you can stand…”    


As they walked up to Dan’s front door, Dan fell silent, conscious of his flatmates who could potentially be sleeping upstairs. So far, he was only on speaking terms with Aaron, who tended to still be up in the kitchen when he got in each night. 

Aaron had kept him updated on his brother’s case, and though it was heartbreaking, Cain inspired Dan. If a 14 year old boy could go through this, his confidence destroyed but his heart still so strong and sure, then Dan could at least try to set an example. Cain and his Mum had been moved into witness protection; even Aaron didn’t know exactly where they were, but he talked to them each night, and so far, Cain was resolute that he would stand trial against his attackers who had now been identified and were facing attempted murder.    
  
Just as Dan had predicted, Aaron was at the kitchen table with his own work spread out in front of him; he preferred the comfort of his own surroundings as opposed to the library, unlike Dan. 

“S’up,” Aaron greeted them, standing up and extending his hand to Phil. “I’m Aaron. And you are the elusive Phil, I assume?”   
  
“Yes, that’s me,” Phil smiled, shaking Aaron’s hand.  
  
“I’ve heard a lot about you - it’s nice to finally meet you!”  
  
“Oh God, I dread to think.”  
  
“Mate, I’d never seen Dan genuinely happy until you turned up. He never stops talking about you!” Aaron replied, walking over to the kettle as he usually did when Dan returned. They’d gotten themselves into quite a routine of chatting over a warm drink most evenings; the evenings Dan wasn’t staying out at Phil’s. “Coffee or hot chocolate?” he asked Phil.   
  
“A hot chocolate would be lovely,” Phil replied, pulling up a chair. Dan tried to hide his eagerness to get back to his room, and sat down beside him. By the time they’d finished their drinks, and the two had managed to escape to Dan’s room, Dan was almost asleep on his feet.  
  
“Too tired for a movie?” Phil asked, slipping off his shoes. “I can see Tangled on your shelf and I  _ love  _ that film!”  
  
“I might fall asleep, but we can put it on,” Dan smiled, beginning to undo his shirt. His fingers fiddled with the the buttons clumsily, and Phil stepped forward to help.   
  
“May I?”   
  
Dan yawned. “Please,” he murmured. He wrapped his arms around Phil’s waist as his boyfriend began to slip the shirt off of him. “Do you want some pyjamas? I don’t have any Thor ones, sadly.”  
  
“Do you have a pretty pastel t-shirt I could wear?” Phil asked, his voice low. Dan pulled away, knowing just the thing. He handed Phil a light yellow, oversized t-shirt with a faded sunflower print. Phil smirked, “Okay...sure.”  
  
“You look so pretty in bright clothes,” Dan told him, “...not that you wear them very often, but it’s bright, like you. It represents...the light and warmth you bring to my life, as everlasting as the sun,” Dan grinned, clearly proud of his metaphor.  
  
“How poetic,” Phil replied with a smile.    
  
Once they were both ready for bed, Phil slotted the DVD into Dan’s blu-ray player and climbed into bed beside his boyfriend. It was only a single bed, and being both over 6ft, they were slightly cramped at first, but they snuggled in closer and found that they fit perfectly. Halfway through the movie, Phil was beginning to nod off, assuming that Dan already had.  
  
”I’m kind of like Rapunzel,” Dan whispered as he lay with his back to Phil’s chest, the little spoon as always, whilst Phil ran his fingers through his hair.  
  
Phil’s heart skipped a beat as he was jolted back awake with a start. ”Uh, explain?”  
  
Dan was quiet for a moment, and Phil began to wonder if he really had fallen asleep this time before he replied softly. ”Stranded in my tower, awaiting my prince, which is you. You’re a little rebellious and misunderstood, but incredibly charming and sexy…”

”Hold up there, Princess! I’m misunderstood?!” Phil laughed. He didn’t quite understand how Dan had come to this conclusion, though he was flattered that his boyfriend would compare him to a Disney Prince. He’d have preferred Thor, but he’d take Flynn Rider.

”Yeah. You dress in black clothes, and you rebel any chance you get, but actually you’re just very really gentle and wholesome. You’re adorable.” Dan smiled endearingly and leaned up to kiss Phil.  
  
”Hmmm,” Phil smirked, eager to use this moment to his advantage. “So does that mean we’re going to get married and live happily ever after?” Dan giggled as his cheeks began to redden.

”Is that your way of proposing?” He laughed, nudging Phil and poking him in the ribs playfully.

”And what if it was?!” Phil retorted, mocking offence. “Not good enough for you, eh Howell?”

Dan frowned and pursed his lips, glancing to the ceiling as he pretended to give it real consideration. 

“Could be gayer…” he finally murmured. He rolled over and pulled Phil close to his chest, moving his mouth gently across his cheek, pausing as their lips touched. Their foreheads pressed together as their surroundings melted away into nothing. In that moment, nobody else in the entire world mattered.  
  
“Dan?” Phil began, reaching under the covers for Dan’s hand until he found it and interlaced their fingers. The two of them lay face to face, gazing peacefully into one another’s eyes. “I’m so glad I met you.”  
  
“Me too,” Dan agreed faintly. His heart leapt as he considered his next sentence carefully. Dare he say it? Was it too soon? When he saw the beautiful smile on his boyfriend’s face, he couldn’t help himself. 

In that second, right then as he lay pressed up close against the one man that he adored more than anyone in the whole world, nothing else meant anything at all; not his parents, not his anxieties, his fears, his insecurities. His entire future flashed before his eyes, an unfamiliar feeling settling in his stomach - something he hadn’t felt for as long as he could remember; hope. Phil stared back at him expectantly, pulling him back into the present, which for once, felt exciting and warm.

“Phil, I think I’m falling in love with you, and it scares me, but I can’t see myself loving anyone as much as...as I love you.” Dan cringed, suddenly nervous that Phil would laugh; tell him it was too soon to feel something so significant, but he didn’t.  
  
“I love you too,” Phil mumbled into Dan’s hair, kissing him softly. “I love you so much.”  
  
“You’ve made me the happiest I’ve ever been in my life, Phil, and I want to be with you for as long as you want me to be.”  
  
“Forever please.”

 


End file.
